Day 3 – A pre-Christmas miracle

It snowed today! This is good for several reasons. 1) It means it was warm today (only like -10!), 2) The snow covered all the slippery ice so my chances of falling on my face and/or shattering my spine greatly decreased, and 3) The humidity level was finally higher than 2%, so I didn’t get super dehydrated and my face skin is still in tact! It’s a pre-Christmas miracle!

Quick update for those of you who I don’t trust enough to be my facebook friends: We went to some sort of Christmas bazar thing today with like, the only other 20 foreigners in the entire country. I bought some ornaments for myself and maybe some lil souvenir gifts for some people. Maybe. Then we went to the mall and I bought a sausage and ate it and it was delicious. Then we went home.

The End.

Oh and I might as well share some other things I’ve learned about this place so far (in case, you know, you need to come rescue me):

1. No one speaks English or has ever heard of it or even knows that another language other than Kazakh and mayyyyybe Russian exists. No joke. And this sucks because all I know how to say is da (yes), nyet (no), spaziba (thank you), pajalista (please), Stolichnaya  (Stolichnaya), Engliski (English), and dasvendanje (bye). And I’m not even sure if those are the same words in Kazakh. So to communicate, you need to be fluent in sign language. Or Kazakh. Whichever you find easier.
2. Kazakhs are apparently obsessed with Maroon 5. I’m not sure why. But in the grocery store, on the radio in the taxi, on the local music channels, you name it – Adam Levine’s melodious feminine voice is to be heard. And that shit stays stuck in your head, too. So I’m like, slipping on a patch of ice somewhere, and in my head I’m all, “I got the moves like Jagger…”

3. Any part of your body that is exposed to the air will fall off within a matter of minutes. I had to go drop something off last night at Ma’s friend’s apartment across the courtyard. It’s literally 25 meters away. I had to get mad bundled up, and then I was all like “Oh it’s not that far – I totes don’t need my scarf and gloves.” WRONG. YOU ALWAYS NEED YOUR SCARF AND GLOVES! My face went through the entire spectrum of colours, from normal to red to blue to purple to white and back again, and my hands had no feeling or sensation left. You could have shot me in each hand twice and I wouldn’t’ve felt it, from how numb they were. The funniest part is watching me try to light a cigarette in this state. And by funny I mean, laugh and I’ll kill you.

4. I’ve lived in cold places before. I’ve experienced snow for years. I know what it’s like. I also know that proactive measures are taken to ensure that the roads are cleared of snow as quickly as possible. This is done with a snow plow and salt. In Kazakhstan, they haven’t learned this yet. There is no pavement. There are no streets. You’re just driving constantly on snow. And walking on ice. Don’t get me wrong – they try! But they’re doing it wrong. I saw a guy today use water to break up the snow and then shovel it across the sidewalk. Uhm. Water freezes, asshole. Thanks in advance for the spinal fracture.

5. All female Kazakhs are born with high-heels on their lil baby feet. This is the only explanation as to how they can possibly walk long and dangerous distances (I’ve even seen chicks RUN! Like, run to catch a bus, or run across the street) in 5 inch hooker boots that have zero traction.

Okay and that’s all for now. I need to go lie on top of the radiator for a while.

Day One – Captain’s Log

I’ve never felt this cold in all my conscious years of living. Like, seriously. It’s not even describable in words. When I landed, I honestly thought my hands would fall off while I was smoking. It was -18 degrees when I landed and still getting colder. And Ma had the audacity to tell me “It’s actually not that cold today!”

Some things worthy of note:

– I didn’t realise we were landing. I thought we were still in the clouds. This place is a barren wasteland, surrounded for like 500 km on all sides with tundra and wolves and bears. I took a picture when I landed. It’s on facebook, but my rendition looks like this:

– There is a 90% chance that I will return without a face and hands.

– The toilet in Ma’s apartment has a heated seat and, wait for it… A BUTTON THAT YOU PUSH SO THAT WATER SPRAYS INTO YOUR POOP HOLE AND CLEANS IT FOR YOU! They have one setting for men, and one for women. Not really sure how that works.

– There were fireworks at the palace across the street when we drove up to the apartment. I think they sensed my arrival.

– In order to go outside even for three seconds, a typical outfit consists of: a t-shirt, a sweater, a light jacket, a bigger jacket, a scarf, a hat (with ear coverage), leggings and/or thermal long underwear, jeans, and boots that cover at least halfway to the knee. If you miss one of the aforementioned items, you will perish.

– Putting on the above mentioned array of clothing requires at least 15 minutes. We’re staying on the 11th floor. Perhaps it’s time to quit smoking?

– WordPress is actually blocked in Kazakhstan, so don’t tell the government I’m here before they come get m

Le Poop

So, this happened:

Don’t ask me why. We both know there’s something seriously wrong with me.

2012 Olympics

So basically my TV has been hijacked by the Olympics for the past few weeks, thus forcing me to have watched it during my free time, when I could have instead been watching that Justin Bieber movie or Teletubbies or horror films. Today is thankfully the closing ceremony, so this post is kinda like a tribute to the sports (and not-so-sports) I’ve watched this time around.

Archery. As far as I can remember, archery used to be about a bow, an arrow, and a target. Not arm guards and chest pads and finger straps and tripods and balancers and all that jazz. I didn’t even know what was going on half the time.

Canoe Slalom. So awesome! I never knew they even had this! My favourite part was when Ten thought they were all amputees or leg-less folk, and it was part of the Special Olympics.

Cycling – track. I never really watched this, Adam did. It was too boring for me. They were all just quickly pedaling around a raised oval. I did like the little grandpa referee though, who showed the racers the course for what seemed like an endless number of laps. Because an oval is just too complicated to figure out by oneself.

Diving. My favourite summer Olympic sport! I liked the little Chinese guy. The tiny one. The one who won everything. Wait, I’m not narrowing it down, let me research his name… Ah yes – Qui Bo.

Equestrian – jumping. Those horses were magnificent! I felt happy when they jumped over all those obstacles perfectly! I felt bad for that one horse who got scared at the big fence-in-the-bush and had to walk around it. I didn’t really notice the jockeys or riders or whatever horse-jumpers are called because they all looked the same in their silly little pants-suits.

Fencing. I still have no idea what this sport is about.

Gymnastics – artistic. This is the normal gymnastics. When I say normal, I mean uneven parallel bars, vault, beam, etc. Not that freaky rhythmic circus shit they do with balls and ribbons. Deng Linlin was my highlight! I also cried a little when Russia lost the lead because of that little midget girl falling and then the cocky one falling on her face at the end of their floor routines. Gymnastics is so emotional.

Shooting. I watched this for a few minutes, but then saw how quiet, sad, and dead-faced the sport was and turned it off.

Swimming. I only watched a little, but then when that freaky buck-toothed Lithuanian girl won something and started gnawing on her gold medal, I felt sick and never watched it again.

Synchronised swimming. I don’t know how those people can hold their breath that long and do strong underwater stuff while just treading the whole. fucking. time. Respect.

Taekwondo. Not even a real sport.

Weightlifting . I got all teary-eyed again when that Chinese guy won and that other Chinese guy was injured but still did good and that other Chinese guy dislocated his elbow. At least I think they were all Chinese. Also, the women scared the hell out of me. This one guy chick looked like a handsome man and this other one looked like an ugly overweight man. I saw many moustaches and uni-brows. It was a roller coaster of emotions.

And that was it. The other sports aren’t worthy of mentioning.

Now I’m excited for winter Olympics!

But hopefully I’ll post something before then.

Maybe.

Probably.

But possibly not.

Wwwwink!

I FOUND IT!

Yesss!! At long last, both my drawing tablet and pen have been found! It’s a miracle!

But now I don’t know what to do with them.

Side note…

Uh, just so you guys know, I just read a few pages of this blog and it’s the most awesome thing I’ve ever read. It’s well written, entertaining, and contains some of the best knock-knock jokes the world has ever known. I’m too good to you guys. Really.

Also, I majored in modesty at university, as you can probably tell.

Modesty with a minor in Sarcasm and Awesomeness.

What’s this? A miracle, you say?

Why yes. Yes it is.

I’m not going to even mention the nine-month time lapse between this post and my last. Even though I just kinda did. But you know what I mean. I SWEAR I’M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE, OKAY?! Twitter is sucking the life out of me and my phone is so smart that my laptop has become obsolete. Hence, the long period of silence.

But anyway, speaking of twitter, let me get straight into my next point: I’m actually tricking you into thinking that this is a real post when in fact, it’s one of my lazy, half-assed attempts to be proactive. Basically, I’m cheating. Because this is yet another predicted tweet post!

“You guys are sick. Please don’t have this eye sickness in the nineties.”

“I wonder if you know I’m actually a vampire. I don’t wanna ruin it for gym tomorrow.”

“I can dream. I can try. But I declare purple as your profession.”

“I get that my hatred runs deep. I wonder why this is true.”

“I wonder why I have no energy left. Am I a day apart?”

“Hahahaha omg I wonder if my face will be in a stabbing spree.”

“I wonder why everyone is fantastic!”

“I wonder what I am. Perpetually.”

“Oh god, the graveyard thing wasn’t you?!”

“Lies. Watch something better. WHY IS THIS BETTER?!”

“I wonder why this sandyness magically disappeared from my shin?”

“I wonder why Penelope treats Amadeus like a delicious free kick.”

“I wonder if my locker smells like pineapples and seaweed today.”

“I’m not cranky! Lies.”

Yup, so that’s it. The drawing thing might happen again soon. So stay tuned!