Posts Tagged ‘Amadeus’

What’s this? A miracle, you say?

August 3, 2012

Why yes. Yes it is.

I’m not going to even mention the nine-month time lapse between this post and my last. Even though I just kinda did. But you know what I mean. I SWEAR I’M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE, OKAY?! Twitter is sucking the life out of me and my phone is so smart that my laptop has become obsolete. Hence, the long period of silence.

But anyway, speaking of twitter, let me get straight into my next point: I’m actually tricking you into thinking that this is a real post when in fact, it’s one of my lazy, half-assed attempts to be proactive. Basically, I’m cheating. Because this is yet another¬†predicted tweet¬†post!

“You guys are sick. Please don’t have this eye sickness in the nineties.”

“I wonder if you know I’m actually a vampire. I don’t wanna ruin it for gym tomorrow.”

“I can dream. I can try. But I declare purple as your profession.”

“I get that my hatred runs deep. I wonder why this is true.”

“I wonder why I have no energy left. Am I a day apart?”

“Hahahaha omg I wonder if my face will be in a stabbing spree.”

“I wonder why everyone is fantastic!”

“I wonder what I am. Perpetually.”

“Oh god, the graveyard thing wasn’t you?!”

“Lies. Watch something better. WHY IS THIS BETTER?!”

“I wonder why this sandyness magically disappeared from my shin?”

“I wonder why Penelope treats Amadeus like a delicious free kick.”

“I wonder if my locker smells like pineapples and seaweed today.”

“I’m not cranky! Lies.”

Yup, so that’s it. The drawing thing might happen again soon. So stay tuned!

Reptilian lovin’

October 25, 2010

For months I’ve been trying to get that idiot of an iguana to love me. Amadeus is cool and everything, but he’s very reserved, extremely paranoid, and freakishly strong. Those three attributes make it very difficult to tame him. I’ve done extensive online research on how to make him people-friendly, but every site basically says the same thing: I need a lot of time and patience. Unlucky for me, those are just the things that I have very little of.

So I decided to develop my own philosophy on how to tame iguanas. It’s a very simple and passive approach:

Iguanas are fickle beings, but ultimately, they are creatures of habit. Therefore, when taming an iguana, there are only two things that must be considered. 1.) Ensure a happy living environment. 2.) Feed the beast regularly. By following these guiding principles, the iguana will grow accustomed to his surroundings and will learn to anticipate your hand’s presence in the terrarium when leaving nourishing and tasty treats. Eventually, when you decide you are ready, slowly reach out to touch the iguana, and he should allow it. In time, holding, throwing, dancing with, tickling, and other entertaining forms of activities will also become permissible.

And guess what, ladies and gentlemen? My philosophy works! Today I was just minding my own business, whistling a little tune from The Who, getting ready to feed Amadeus, when I noticed a glimmer of lust in his beady little eyes. It was as if he was telepathically imploring that I touch him. So I opened his door, reached in and placed his food on the shelf, and then in one continuous motion, I made my move. And he didn’t even flinch! No biting, no tail-whipping, no hissing, no weird war-stance, nothing! I grew increasingly courageous (because I started by just touching his front foot) and moved towards the neck. He allowed it. I stroked him, we bonded for a few seconds, and then I slowly retracted my hand, closed the door, and left. The reason being, you always have to leave your iguana wanting more. It shows that you’re in control. According to my philosophy, that is.

Anyway, tomorrow’s another day, so we’ll see how it goes. Chances are, my philosophy’s complete bullshit and he’s actually severely ill (e.g. paralysed from the eyeballs down), hence his openness to touch.

But that’s okay with me too.

One Decade Later

July 6, 2010

Ten years from now, I’m going to be in my early thirties. That’s depressing. What do I hope my life will be like?

Well first of all, let’s talk about my personal hopes. I hope I don’t look old. Yet somehow, with all the smoking and sun exposure, it’s very likely I’ll look like keeper of the crypt. I hope my hair is still full and luscious, my skin still taught and vibrant, and my teeth still in tact. I also hope I maintain a normal weight. Basically, I hope to look like Katie Holmes, in the sense that she’s fit, she looks healthy, and if you had to guess her age, you’d be like “Ehhh, late twenties, early thirties?” which is exactly what I’m going for. Minus the whole being married to a Scientologist dwarf thing.

Next up are my professional hopes. Hopefully in ten years from now I’ll either have my own marketing firm, or I’ll at least be at the top of an already existing one. I want to have a big office on the 20th floor or higher, with two walls entirely made out of glass and displaying a gorgeous view of the metropolitan city below. I hope to be a reputable individual, who’s good at what she does, and I want to enjoy my career. I hope to be able to travel a lot (for business consultancies and whatnot), and I hope to grow, even if I’m already at the top. I mean, the last thing I’d want is to have a stagnant, dead-end job that I hate. So hopefully that doesn’t happen.

As far as families are concerned, I know it’s the norm to hope for a happy marriage with a handsome husband and beautiful children, but do I really want that? Let’s wait a while and see what happens, I’m not going to write anything on paper. Babies. *shudder*

I hope my sister is the successful doctor that she always wanted to be and develops the cure for cancer. I hope my mom is retired by then and living in an institute for crazy old people. Just kidding! But I do hope she’s retired and just goes on a trip around the world or something. I hope Amadeus is two meters long and breathes fire (although it’s quite difficult to train an iguana). I hope they invent a way to make long-distance traveling easier and/or faster because I’m sick of the airline industry. I hope all drugs are legalised. I hope every day the sky is filled with rainbows. I hope all cashiers are glittering unicorns who poop the correct change directly into your wallet. I hope… ah wait. I’m getting out of hand.

So basically, if I land that perfect job in a few years and I quit smoking, this ten year plan seems pretty feasible. Mainly because it’s superficial and vain, but hey, I’m just answering the question.

When did I last thank someone?

July 3, 2010

I thanked someone over the phone not two minutes ago, for informing me that she has 75W infrared bulbs in stock.

Amadeus broke his light a couple days ago (and I can only imagine that he accidentally whipped it with his surprisingly strong iguana-tail) and hasn’t been eating normally since. The reason being, reptiles cannot control their own body temperature, and need to be a certain level of warmth in order to correctly digest food. So I went on an expedition around town to every single big pet store, in search of another infrared bulb.

One store had them, but they were like a gajillion watts and even bigger than Amadeus, so I decided that was ridiculous. Another store had a 60w infrared bulb, but it was ceramic, and I prefer the red ones because they help improve Amadeus’s night vision. So I didn’t get that one. Another store just placed the order and would be getting the new shipment in a week. And the last store I went to was also out of stock, but they had one more left in their display-iguana’s cage! I went to check it out (they were going to give it to me for free), but it turns out that she, too, whipped her light into a broken state of uselessness.

Defeated, I went back home empty-handed and went to sleep.

This morning, I thought of one last place that I know of, that I haven’t yet checked. But I wasn’t feeling too optimistic, so I decided to call first (before I drive all the way out there in vain).

“Hey, uhh, do you have infrared bulbs in stock?”

“Just a minute ma’am, let me check.”

“Kay cool thanks.”

“Ma’am? Yeah, we do have them.”

“Oh okay, but I don’t want the ceramic ones.”

“They’re not ceramic, they’re the red ones.”

“Oh. Okay cool, but I can’t handle eight trillion watts either, I don’t want my house to explode into a supernova of infraredness.”

“Well I have 60W, 75W, and 100W.”

“You… what?”

“I said, I have 60W, 75W, and 100W. And they’re not ceramic. And I’m pretty sure your house won’t become a supernova. Aaaand, we have a part sale going on, so if you buy one, you’ll get the second one at half price.”

“OH MY GOD YES! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUUUU!!!”

Amadeus

May 28, 2010

I have an iguana.

His name is Amadeus.

Not Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, just Amadeus.

Amadeus lives in a tiny little terrarium.

He doesn’t really like it there.

So I’ve started building him a bigger, better one!

It’s going to be pretty pimp when it’s done.


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