Archive for September, 2009

Things I think about

September 20, 2009

How can some people be SO fucking fat? Like, I understand people who just simply enjoy eating and refrain from any form of physical activity, thereby resulting in a few extra kilos. That’s fine. But there’s a limit. Human beings should not be the same size as baby elephants. And they shouldn’t be allowed to wear bathing suits and walk around in public. Or at least anywhere I can see them or feel the earth shake from their stride.

Which flavour ice cream came first? Chocolate? Vanilla? Who comes up with the flavours? “Oh I have a brilliant idea! Let’s make a delectable frozen treat that tastes just like banana nut muffins!”

I want a boa constrictor and/or a baby tiger as a pet. By the end of this week, preferably. But I don’t think my roommates would be too down with either of those options. So a bunny will have to do. Maybe. If I’m lucky enough for even that. Do bunnies make a sound? Like, cats meow and dogs bark, but do bunnies do anything audible to the human ear? I don’t think so. But then again, I could be wrong. I’ve never had a bunny before.

I hate how the concept of time works. It’s so warped. When I’m smoking a cigarette, for example, five minutes can pass like that *snaps fingers*. But when it’s 19:55 and I’m waiting for those last five minutes before I can close my position so that I can run and catch the bus home, it takes fucking aaaaaages. 

I saw this lady swimming with one of those waterproof iPod things the other day. I want one. I didn’t know they actually work! I thought it’s just a case that you put your iPod in, and if you’re on a boat or something and it accidentally falls in the ocean, its innards are protected from the corrosive salt water. I didn’t know that you could actually hook it up to headphones and listen to music while swimming! That’s awesome! Maybe some day I’ll come up with a genius invention like that. I’ve already got an idea that involves a virtual alarm clock that somehow programs itself onto your brain and even when you’re dreaming, it can wake you up in the form of like, a guy that takes hold of your shoulders and starts shaking you and screams, “wake up!” But there’s still a few technicalities I need to work out.

Why do kids always run everywhere? Is it that they’re short little legs are incapable of walking? Or do they just choose to run because they have heaps of pent-up energy after being immobile for those first couple years (including womb-time)?

My nails are really brittle and ugly these days. And my fingers are all cut up. I think the chlorine is to blame.

I don’t think Michael Jackson is really dead.


Back by popular demand

September 2, 2009

Okay so due to a number of requests, I’ve decided to be so kind as to enlighten you with a blog update. You should feel very fucking special, because I could be spending this time taking a nice hot shower because I reek of chlorine and sweat, but instead, I’m being generous. So appreciate.

My once-wonderful brain is now dead. The daily sun exposure has definitely taken its toll on me and I’m officially more insane than I once was. Therefore, this post will be completely unorganised and lacking in the usual structured humour.

Uhm… yeah. So let’s see. I don’t even know how to start. It’s like I forgot how to write, which is slightly depressing. I’m sitting here, still in uniform, drinking my billionth cup of coffee for the day and smoking yet another cigarette, waiting for the washing machine to finish so I can put in my next load of laundry. As you can see, my life is exciting. Wee!

The new semester started. I’m taking two super boring classes. Which I suppose is better than taking five super boring classes, but I’ve reached that stage in my education where I’m like COME ONNN! Fucking finish already! But whatev.

I’ve come to learn the meaning of my name in like, a gazillion languages. Because everyone who asks me what my name is seems to think I care about what it means in their language. But because I don’t care and I’m still forced to listen politely and smile and say something nice like “Oh that’s cool,” I think it’s only fair that I share this useless information with you as well. “Ona” apparently means she, look, sister, one, under, and I. Now that I typed it out I realise that it’s not really a gazillion languages, but yeah. Point is, I have a boring ass name. I wish it meant something cooler like gorilla, cactus, umbrella, powder, second cousin twice removed, and sprinkles. Alas. I’m not the creator of name meanings. Which may or may not be a good thing. 

My eyes are burning again. Oh did I tell you that story? Nay, I think not. Kay so like, I wear contact lenses. Daily ones. Which means, if you’re normal, that you put them in in the morning, and at night before you sleep, you remove them and throw them away. In the morning when you wake up, the process repeats itself. However, since we’ve already established that I’m not normal, I decided to change the definition of “daily” to “monthly” (in my head). So for 24 hours a day, for several weeks, the same pair of contact lenses sits on my eyeball. And after about the one month period, my right eye begins to feel as if a Hiroshima bombing just happened, and the left feels like Nagasaki. I don’t know which one is worse, but it doesn’t really matter. Point is, my eyes fucking burn. And when this happens, my smart lil brain sends some sort of signal to my hands, which then attempt to pry the now-welded contact off of my eyeball. I then have intense pain for about three days (during which I need to wear my glasses), and repeat the process because I’m too stupid to learn from my mistakes. And yeah, now I’m at that stage again when I feel like ripping my eyes out of my sockets, but I’m too lazy to do anything. So for now, I shall rely on eye drops for temporary relief until I go blind in a few days.

Oh my gosh I’m so tired. Constantly. Because I swim like a fucken migrating sea turtle in the mornings, and then work inside the sun (Literally. Like, you know the big burning star that provides light and warmth to the universe? Called the sun? Yeah that’s where I work. Fifth floor, come visit!) and I have those boring classes on Sundays and Tuesdays, and I have little to no social life because of all the aforementioned reasons. 

In other news, I have a new phone. I’m eating some potato thingies that Azra just brought back for me. I have a shorts tan. I have a swelling bruise on my thigh because I’m an idiot who walks into things. I’m reading two books at the moment (The White Tiger and Hannibal Rising). I like rusty spoons. I’m no longer obsessed with Heroes because the second season is shitty. I feel like puking because I ate too many of those potato thingies. And I’m going to shower now.

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