Posts Tagged ‘phone’

12 Things I want for Christmas

December 19, 2010

I don’t really understand this holiday. I mean, I know Jesus is somehow involved, and it has something to do with six geese a-laying and a partridge in a pear tree, but other than that, I don’t really get it.

However, due to the fact that it is apparently an accepted tradition to give presents on this day, I have compiled a list for you! Please be sure to give me everything I ask for. Otherwise heavy consequences will be suffered.

  1. Seven swans a-swimming.
  2. A new phone. Preferably the iPhone 4, but I’ll settle for pretty much anything that works.
  3. My very own secret laboratory, with complementary mazes full of confused little white mice.
  4. X-Ray vision. If this is impossible, X-Ray goggles will suffice.
  5. A gift voucher for MAC because my makeup is getting all old and dodgy, and I no longer have an eyebrow pencil.
  6. More hours in a day. I think between 30 – 40 is a reasonable amount.
  7. An electric violin.
  8. Everything from Ace Hardware, because I feel like building some more shit.
  9. Five bajillion dollars. You can send it directly to my PayPal account.
  10. The power to hypnotise people instantaneously with just one glance.
  11. A fast and powerful motorcycle, so I can give it to Adam as his Christmas present. Then again, if I get wish #9, this item can be crossed off and ignored.
  12. Anything from my 21st and 22nd birthday wish lists that I still haven’t received. Damn you, postal service!

Yep, so that’s pretty much it. Go ahead and email me, and I’ll send you an appropriate address, depending on which gift it is you’re getting me. I mean, the violin can just go to Ma’s P.O. Box, but like, the laboratory needs to be built on-site. So I’ll help you out with those details via email.

You have six days.

The unbearable shittiness of being.

February 8, 2009

I know that there are billions of sad little people in the world who are worse off than me. However, I’m at that stage of the year my life where I actually need to physically tell myself this. Aloud. To my reflection in the mirror. Let me explain:

I’m supposed to be enrolled in four classes this semester. When I was in the States, I was only able to enroll in two classes online, so when I came back, I had to manually enroll in the other two. This involves getting a piece of paper, filling it out, and getting it signed by some VIPs of my university, then going to the cashier and paying for my tuition, and presto! I will be enrolled. So I did all that, minus the whole paying thing, meaning I’m still not technically enrolled in those two classes. Midterms are coming up, and if I don’t get enrolled in the system, my marks won’t count. So no problem, all I have to do is pay and hand in that paper. But I can’t find it anywhere! I searched my house, I searched the car, I searched my friends’ cars, I searched all my bags, I searched everywhere! And it’s nowhere to be found. And the enrollment deadline has passed, so I can’t just redo the process. Which sucks. And makes me angry. WHERE IS THAT PAPER?!

Ma left yesterday to do an overseas consultancy for like a week. Don’t worry, that’s not the shitty part (just kidding Ma, *wink!* – (party at my house, people! woo!)). What makes my life literally a living hell anytime she travels is the fact that Feb becomes even more demonic than usual. Feb is one of our two cats. Tommy is nice and friendly and does normal cat-like things like eat and nap and purr. Feb, on the other hand, hates everyone, and her sole mission in life is to ruin the lives of others. Now, when my mom’s around, it’s bearable, because she actually likes my mom (kind of). But when Ma’s gone?! Fuuuuck. Yesterday, for example, I came home at night, locked the front gate and the main door, turned off all the lights, and went upstairs to get ready for bed. Halfway up the stairs, I come face-to-face with Dr. Evil, as her eyes glare at me in the dark. “Hey baby Feb, let’s go upstairs and do sleep-sleep!” I said very sweetly. She stares at me, takes a step down (closer to me), smells me for a split second, and then hisses like a devil-tiger and smacks me in the leg with her paw. “FINE!” I yelled at her and kicked her down the stairs a bit. She immediately recoils, and dashes past me up the dark stairs of doom, causing me to trip and nearly suffer fatal head injuries, and then darts into my room. “Uh, no. You’re not staying here. Get out. Go to Ma’s room and slit your wrists or something, but don’t crouch in the corner and stare at me as I sleep.” She ignored me, ostensibly, and paraded around my room, smelling all my stuff. So I left to brush my teeth and hang out with Ten for a bit. When I was ready to go to bed, I turned off the light and got nice and comfy. I set my alarm (on my new phone that actually works, yes!) and closed my eyes to prepare for the dream-realm. Suddenly my eyes pop open. I feel something walking around at the foot of my bed. Propping myself up on my elbows, and squinting in the dark, I can make out a cat-like creature. Oh, it’s just Tommy, I thought to myself. But then I remembered that Tommy was sleeping in Eri’s room that night, so my heart started racing as I realised what was actually happening – Feb was on my bed, probably rearing up for attack-mode. I tried to hide my fear and go to sleep, but she started kneading my blanket and making weird noises. So I turned on my side, hoping that if I just ignore her, she’ll let me live. Sadly this was not the case. She creeped up towards my face, smelling me and my bedsheets the entire time. When we were finally nose-to-nose, she licked my face (aww), and then hissed loudly, slapped me in the head, and bolted out of my room (boo). I hate her so much. And this is only the beginning.

For the past two days (this is day three), I’ve been having severe chest pain. And I can’t figure out what it is or what caused it. At first I thought that it was just heartburn. So I took some Tums, but that did nothing. I tried drinking milk, and again no relief. So I was like, whatever, it’s not heartburn. On day two, it intensified. And the pain is kinda constant, but it comes in waves of severity. To the point that I clutch my chest like a heartbroken woman who just lost her son in the war. And then it kinda goes away again. But it’s really strange. It feels as if I swallowed a tennis ball and it’s now stuck in my esophagus. Breathing hurts. Swallowing hurts. And I don’t know what to do about it. It’s a lot better today than yesterday, so hopefully I can just do what I usually do when I get weird symptoms, which is pretend that I never had them and hope they never return. We’ll see.

Eri had to drive me to school today. This is sort of a two-in-one problem. The first part of the problem is that I have a license and I can drive myself. However, insurance-wise, I’m not covered on my mom’s car until I get an Omani license. And getting an Omani license isn’t a simple snap of the fingers, because I’d need to start from scratch and do all the training and take a bajillion tests, none of which I have time for. Mind you, I’ve been driving illegally for like seven years, and never had an accident. But the ROP doesn’t seem to care. I have to do it like everyone else, unless I can find some serious wasta. Anyway, the second part of the problem of me not being allowed to drive my mom’s car is obviously the fact that Eri has to drive. Eri is Ma’s seventy-something-year-old mother, who has absolutely no sense of direction. And she freaks out quite easily. So we had to leave the house at 06:50, and take the easiest route possible, although it’s also the longest, and hang on for dear life anytime we approach a roundabout. Furthermore, there is little to no talking allowed once the vehicle is in motion, to enable Eri to concentrate to her fullest potential. Music is a definite no. So those forty-five minutes to Ten’s school are pretty hellish. To make matters worse, she doesn’t know how to get from Ten’s school to mine, so I had to show her the way. Twice. Which means, we left Ten’s school, drove to mine, made a U-turn, drove back to Ten’s school, made another U-Turn, and drove back to mine. And I had to draw her a map. Eri said she’d call me if she has any problems finding her way back (which is a simple five-minute route), and she hasn’t yet called me. So hopefully she’s on her way home and not actually in Jordan with no phone signal or something.

I just realised that I’ve been complaining for the past thousand words or so, and although I could continue for another five thousand, I’d rather not. I’ll just list a few more points:

  • Normal doses of caffeine no longer have an effect on me, so I’ve become a coffeeholic, even though I can’t really afford to be one.
  • I have four hours of accounting today and want to shoot myself in the face.
  • I don’t have time to go to the beach as often as I want to.
  • My favourite shirt seems to have gone missing.
  • I cooked a chicken soup for Omar yesterday because he’s sick, but now my hands smell like garlic, regardless of how much I wash them.
  • Ma took my Ten’s gold eyeliner with her, and I look ugly without it.
  • I despise malls with a creepishly strong passion, yet I must go to one today with Eri, of all people, to help her get a new phone because she feels the need to copy everything I do.
  • Did I mention I have four hours of accounting today?!
  • I have a craving for something, but I can’t figure out what it is, and it’s very nerve wracking. 
  • The same song has been stuck in my head for the past five days and it’s starting to nauseate me.

And that’s not all, but that’s all I feel like typing for now. So I think the time has come to order another coffee and go to the bathroom and talk to the registrar about my enrollment situation before class, which is in less than an hour. But I thought I’d give you a tiny little taste of the unbearable shittiness of my being so you can sympathise with me. Pity me! Just kidding, don’t. Or do. Your call. Either way, I’m still going to be in a grumpy mood the whole day.

Haha, a bird just flew into the window of Fiesta. I guess it’ll be a good day after all. 

: )

Technology is not my friend.

February 1, 2009

So my phone stopped working again. I really hate it when that happens. And it’s not like it just died and doesn’t work at all, rather, it’s possessed by some evil demon spirit. For example, I try to call one person, it calls someone else. I try to send a normal message like “What time do we have class?” and it transforms my words into “I’m going to eat your soul, muahaha!” I try to scroll down, it scrolls up. I try to put it on Silent mode, it puts it on Outdoor mode. 

So you’re probably thinking I should just use reverse psychology on it and do the opposite of what I actually want, but I tried that. It doesn’t work. It has a mind of its own, I swear! Last night at like three in the morning it just started vibrating. Thinking I was getting a call of grave importance, I actually bothered to leave my awesome dream and wake up to answer it. But when I looked at the screen, no one was calling. In fact, the screen was off and the keypad was locked. But it was still vibrating. For like an hour. 

I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn’t. So finally, I hid it in the deepest, darkest part of my closet, underneath old, ugly clothes that I never wear anymore, and tried to go back to sleep. That plan worked… for a while.

At around five, my alarm started ringing. Why? I have no idea. First of all, I don’t set my alarm to anything before six. Secondly, I specifically didn’t turn it on that night and instead resorted to using a stock standard alarm clock (i.e. a clock whose only function is to tell time and ring when you tell it to. Remember those?). And lastly, my alarm at the moment is Paper Planes by M.I.A. and my phone was blasting Thriller by Michael Jackson, a song that I never even put onto my phone in the first place. 

So I wake up to a muted Thriller, coming from somewhere in my closet, which creeped me out even more. They’re out to get you, there’s demons closing in on every side… I was about to pee my pants. So I got up and rummaged through my closet to find my phone and switch it off. I found it, yeah. But it didn’t turn off. Red phone didn’t work, cancel didn’t work, stop didn’t work, snooze didn’t work, pressing and holding the power button didn’t work, nothing. So I opened up the back to take out the battery and finally! Silence. 

So I tried to go back to sleep again, but now I had the Thriller music video in my head, so it was kinda difficult. Because I could swear I heard zombies dancing in my room.

Anyway, I finally wake up to the sound of a normal alarm clock, take a shower, and go downstairs to feed Feb and Tommy. But then I remembered that the night before, Omar said he’d pick me up in the morning, so I kinda had to call him to make sure he was awake and stuff, because he has an eight thirty class. So I went back upstairs to get my phone, hoping that I wouldn’t have to exorcise it again. It turned on, made a weird hissing sound, turned off, turned itself back on again, flashed a few times, vibrated, and then looked normal. Hm. 

I took it downstairs with me and set it down in the kitchen while I went to the bathroom mirror to put on my makeup. Out of nowhere, the Nokia ringtone sounds, followed by a few beats of Paper Planes, and then the last few seconds of Thriller (which, if you know the song, is the creepy narrator guy’s evil laugh). I’m not even kidding. 

I go try to call Omar, and his phone rings but he doesn’t pick up. Then my phone switches off and on again, and the whole demonic saga continued so I just opened it and took out my sim card, looking for another body to put it in. I found Ten’s old phone, but it was like, seriously dead. I found another blue phone, but that one displayed some psychedelic images and alien noises when I tried turning it on. My grandma’s using the other spare, so I couldn’t take that one, and Ma needs her phone too, so I couldn’t take hers. Meaning the only option left was Ma’s old phone whose keys are missing and has a battery life of five minutes.

I took out the sim card, and put in mine, and then turned it on. It seemed to work perfectly, but then a whole bunch of Arabic flashed over the screen and I didn’t know what it meant, and then it went BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! and turned off. Whatever, at least it’s not playing devil music. So I charged it (Omar sent a message saying he’s on his way), and went to finish getting ready.

Then I was done. And bored. So I decided I wanted to check my facebook. I click on ignore, it accepts. Would I like to attend the event? No. You are now attending the event. Like, what? WHY IS EVERYTHING OPPOSITE?! And what the hell did I ever do to my phone (besides throwing it) and my computer (besides yelling at it) that I deserve such torture?! Surrriously. Finally I gave up with facebook. Gmail also didn’t let me do what I wanted to do, nor did MyUOWD. So I just threw my computer and my phone charger in my bag and went outside to get in the car with Omar.

And now magically, everything seems to be working fine. The only thing is, my phone isn’t telling time, instead it’s counting down to something. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a mass assembly of robots right now, counting down along with my phone. It’s at 03:17:38 right now, so we’ll see what happens at 00:00:00. The end of the world? Probably.


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