Posts Tagged ‘grandma’

Shower

April 22, 2009

I’m one of those people who hates getting up in the morning. In fact, if it were up to me, I’d probably never leave the comfort of my blanket. Except maybe to pee. Anyway, point is, it’s a daily battle for me to get out of bed. Especially when it’s finals season and the only thing I have to look forward to is studying.

That having been said, a morning shower is one of the most important things in my day-to-day life. Not only does it clean the body, mind and soul, but it’s also a rejuvenating and energizing ritual. Furthermore, I need to wash my hair every single day to keep it as luscious and beautiful as it is, and to ensure that I don’t smell like an ashtray.

A couple mornings ago, I woke up and groggily made my way into the bathroom. At this point, my eyes are still half-closed, and I haven’t quite yet left my dream realm, so I rely solely on the power of routine to get me through those first twenty minutes. Anyway, I peed, took of my pajamas, and stepped into the shower – same as always. I turned the hot faucet about a quarter turn to the left, and the cold faucet about half way. Based on experience, the faucets need to be in exactly this position to get the perfect temperature that my body requires. Which is quite hot. 

The next few steps are to let the water run for a few seconds, lift the thingy so the water switches from bathtub mode to shower mode, and then jump back with cat-like reflexes so that the initial shock of still-kinda-cold water doesn’t induce heart attack.

On this particular morning, I did everything the way I normally do. The only difference was, the water never became hot! And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s a cold shower. Especially first thing in the morning. Confused and shivering, I mentally retraced my steps to make sure I hadn’t missed a step. Turns out, I hadn’t. So what was going so god-awfully wrong? What had I done to deserve such punishment?!

Quick as a Chinese caterpillar, I jumped out of the shower and wrapped myself in my towel, in the hopes to prevent frostbite and/or hypothermia. What the fuck is going on? I wondered angrily.

Shall I tell you what the problem was? I’ll tell you. SOME RETARD DECIDED IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO TURN OFF THE FUCKING WATER HEATER! And I’m sure you can guess who that particular retard was. No, not Feb… Bingo. It was Eri. 

I punched the switch back on in anger and stomped back into my room to sulk under the covers. About twenty minutes later, I awaken to Eri’s voice, asking me if I could hurry up and shower so we could leave. “Yeah chill out, I’m awake… I’m just waiting for the water to heat up,” I told her. “Oh? Sorry, I turned it off again,” she replied. If I had sharp teeth and claws, I’d’ve pounced on her and killed her shamelessly with one bite to the neck. “You did what?!” I was fuming. “Oh yeah, now that it’s getting hot, the sun warms up the water enough to shower with.” Uh, no it doesn’t. Especially not at seven in the effing morning when the past twelve hours have been darkness. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but as far as I’m concerned, moonlight doesn’t heat shit up.

I restrained from killing her (only because I would have to wait another forty-five minutes before I could shower her blood off my body at a decent temperature), and instead turned the heater back on and went downstairs to make coffee. Later, I showered at a mediocre temperature and just got over it, thinking she’d understand never to do such a horrendous thing again.

I thought wrong. This morning I woke up at around six and carried out the shower-steps in order. Only to find that once again, the water was coming out in the form of icicles! What the fuck! Why is this nightmare happening again?! Murmuring unspeakable things under my breath, I turned the switch back on and crawled into bed.

When I felt it was safe, I got up and went to the bathroom to retest the water. It was barely alright, but I was in a rush so I had to deal with it. Fifteen minutes later, as I was leaving the bathroom, I found Eri loitering around the heater-switch. She was waiting for me to finish showering so she could turn it off again. Like, literally waiting there. Like… I can’t get over this… Waiting! Around the switch! Just… waiting!

What a freak. If she tries this stunt again tomorrow, I will not spare her. I will demolish her without the slightest shadow of remorse. But listen, if the police asks, I was at your house studying for my exam, okay? Shh…

 

Note: I’m not sure if Chinese caterpillars really exist or not, but they sound fast. Ninja fast. Ka-cha!

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The unbearable shittiness of being.

February 8, 2009

I know that there are billions of sad little people in the world who are worse off than me. However, I’m at that stage of the year my life where I actually need to physically tell myself this. Aloud. To my reflection in the mirror. Let me explain:

I’m supposed to be enrolled in four classes this semester. When I was in the States, I was only able to enroll in two classes online, so when I came back, I had to manually enroll in the other two. This involves getting a piece of paper, filling it out, and getting it signed by some VIPs of my university, then going to the cashier and paying for my tuition, and presto! I will be enrolled. So I did all that, minus the whole paying thing, meaning I’m still not technically enrolled in those two classes. Midterms are coming up, and if I don’t get enrolled in the system, my marks won’t count. So no problem, all I have to do is pay and hand in that paper. But I can’t find it anywhere! I searched my house, I searched the car, I searched my friends’ cars, I searched all my bags, I searched everywhere! And it’s nowhere to be found. And the enrollment deadline has passed, so I can’t just redo the process. Which sucks. And makes me angry. WHERE IS THAT PAPER?!

Ma left yesterday to do an overseas consultancy for like a week. Don’t worry, that’s not the shitty part (just kidding Ma, *wink!* – (party at my house, people! woo!)). What makes my life literally a living hell anytime she travels is the fact that Feb becomes even more demonic than usual. Feb is one of our two cats. Tommy is nice and friendly and does normal cat-like things like eat and nap and purr. Feb, on the other hand, hates everyone, and her sole mission in life is to ruin the lives of others. Now, when my mom’s around, it’s bearable, because she actually likes my mom (kind of). But when Ma’s gone?! Fuuuuck. Yesterday, for example, I came home at night, locked the front gate and the main door, turned off all the lights, and went upstairs to get ready for bed. Halfway up the stairs, I come face-to-face with Dr. Evil, as her eyes glare at me in the dark. “Hey baby Feb, let’s go upstairs and do sleep-sleep!” I said very sweetly. She stares at me, takes a step down (closer to me), smells me for a split second, and then hisses like a devil-tiger and smacks me in the leg with her paw. “FINE!” I yelled at her and kicked her down the stairs a bit. She immediately recoils, and dashes past me up the dark stairs of doom, causing me to trip and nearly suffer fatal head injuries, and then darts into my room. “Uh, no. You’re not staying here. Get out. Go to Ma’s room and slit your wrists or something, but don’t crouch in the corner and stare at me as I sleep.” She ignored me, ostensibly, and paraded around my room, smelling all my stuff. So I left to brush my teeth and hang out with Ten for a bit. When I was ready to go to bed, I turned off the light and got nice and comfy. I set my alarm (on my new phone that actually works, yes!) and closed my eyes to prepare for the dream-realm. Suddenly my eyes pop open. I feel something walking around at the foot of my bed. Propping myself up on my elbows, and squinting in the dark, I can make out a cat-like creature. Oh, it’s just Tommy, I thought to myself. But then I remembered that Tommy was sleeping in Eri’s room that night, so my heart started racing as I realised what was actually happening – Feb was on my bed, probably rearing up for attack-mode. I tried to hide my fear and go to sleep, but she started kneading my blanket and making weird noises. So I turned on my side, hoping that if I just ignore her, she’ll let me live. Sadly this was not the case. She creeped up towards my face, smelling me and my bedsheets the entire time. When we were finally nose-to-nose, she licked my face (aww), and then hissed loudly, slapped me in the head, and bolted out of my room (boo). I hate her so much. And this is only the beginning.

For the past two days (this is day three), I’ve been having severe chest pain. And I can’t figure out what it is or what caused it. At first I thought that it was just heartburn. So I took some Tums, but that did nothing. I tried drinking milk, and again no relief. So I was like, whatever, it’s not heartburn. On day two, it intensified. And the pain is kinda constant, but it comes in waves of severity. To the point that I clutch my chest like a heartbroken woman who just lost her son in the war. And then it kinda goes away again. But it’s really strange. It feels as if I swallowed a tennis ball and it’s now stuck in my esophagus. Breathing hurts. Swallowing hurts. And I don’t know what to do about it. It’s a lot better today than yesterday, so hopefully I can just do what I usually do when I get weird symptoms, which is pretend that I never had them and hope they never return. We’ll see.

Eri had to drive me to school today. This is sort of a two-in-one problem. The first part of the problem is that I have a license and I can drive myself. However, insurance-wise, I’m not covered on my mom’s car until I get an Omani license. And getting an Omani license isn’t a simple snap of the fingers, because I’d need to start from scratch and do all the training and take a bajillion tests, none of which I have time for. Mind you, I’ve been driving illegally for like seven years, and never had an accident. But the ROP doesn’t seem to care. I have to do it like everyone else, unless I can find some serious wasta. Anyway, the second part of the problem of me not being allowed to drive my mom’s car is obviously the fact that Eri has to drive. Eri is Ma’s seventy-something-year-old mother, who has absolutely no sense of direction. And she freaks out quite easily. So we had to leave the house at 06:50, and take the easiest route possible, although it’s also the longest, and hang on for dear life anytime we approach a roundabout. Furthermore, there is little to no talking allowed once the vehicle is in motion, to enable Eri to concentrate to her fullest potential. Music is a definite no. So those forty-five minutes to Ten’s school are pretty hellish. To make matters worse, she doesn’t know how to get from Ten’s school to mine, so I had to show her the way. Twice. Which means, we left Ten’s school, drove to mine, made a U-turn, drove back to Ten’s school, made another U-Turn, and drove back to mine. And I had to draw her a map. Eri said she’d call me if she has any problems finding her way back (which is a simple five-minute route), and she hasn’t yet called me. So hopefully she’s on her way home and not actually in Jordan with no phone signal or something.

I just realised that I’ve been complaining for the past thousand words or so, and although I could continue for another five thousand, I’d rather not. I’ll just list a few more points:

  • Normal doses of caffeine no longer have an effect on me, so I’ve become a coffeeholic, even though I can’t really afford to be one.
  • I have four hours of accounting today and want to shoot myself in the face.
  • I don’t have time to go to the beach as often as I want to.
  • My favourite shirt seems to have gone missing.
  • I cooked a chicken soup for Omar yesterday because he’s sick, but now my hands smell like garlic, regardless of how much I wash them.
  • Ma took my Ten’s gold eyeliner with her, and I look ugly without it.
  • I despise malls with a creepishly strong passion, yet I must go to one today with Eri, of all people, to help her get a new phone because she feels the need to copy everything I do.
  • Did I mention I have four hours of accounting today?!
  • I have a craving for something, but I can’t figure out what it is, and it’s very nerve wracking. 
  • The same song has been stuck in my head for the past five days and it’s starting to nauseate me.

And that’s not all, but that’s all I feel like typing for now. So I think the time has come to order another coffee and go to the bathroom and talk to the registrar about my enrollment situation before class, which is in less than an hour. But I thought I’d give you a tiny little taste of the unbearable shittiness of my being so you can sympathise with me. Pity me! Just kidding, don’t. Or do. Your call. Either way, I’m still going to be in a grumpy mood the whole day.

Haha, a bird just flew into the window of Fiesta. I guess it’ll be a good day after all. 

: )

On the road (and water) again…

January 21, 2009

So I’m going to Connecticut again tomorrow. Joy. That means a forty-five minute ride with the mom and grandma to the ferry, an hour-and-a-half-long ferry ride, and another like, hour of driving again on the other side. So that’s… like four hours (yay for math!) of traveling with a couple of old people. Shoot. Me. Now.

By the way, what’s up with peanut butter having salmonella these days? Totally uncool.

I watched the season premier of Lie To Me this evening, and I really enjoyed it. I’m still gunna give it a few more episodes before I decide whether I should become pathologically obsessed with it or not.

I’ve also decided to start posting some funny snippets of my MSN conversations. Because… they’re funny. Ostensibly. 

Elise asked me to design a tattoo for her today. Instead I got side tracked and got kinda carried away working on a completely unrelated piece that I call “A Dull Idea” (as opposed to a bright idea, haha, get it? Ha.. ha. Or not.), depicted below:

a dull idea

I can’t believe how the United States of America has a new president, and all people seem to talk about are Michelle’s fashion and Barack’s little vow-mixup. Actually, I can.

Our plane leaves Friday night, but I still don’t know when we actually arrive. But what I do know is that when we land in Schiphol, we have like, a half-day layover. You know what that means… some intense shopping for recreational drugs Dutch licorice! Woo, party!

Oh, the other day, I was standing in line at a bookstore, and at the counter I saw this bucket full of cute little buttons (or pins, or flair, or whatever they’re called) with authors’ names on them. I was looking for an Augusten Burroughs button, but to no avail. The closest match was David Sedaris. So naturally, I bought it. And then I was struck with an overwhelming passion to begin collecting buttons. I even bought a cute bag to use as my canvas. But I don’t wanna be one of those collectors who like, buys things in bulk and pretends they were actually collected. Because that’s lame. I want each button to have some sort of story, no matter how small. So it could be, “Oh, Ma found that button buried in the sand at the beach and then brought it to a professional button-polisher, who told her that it was extremely valuable and rare, and restored it back to its original luster and then she gave it to me in a champagne glass on my wedding night,”  or simply, “Ten gave it to me.” Basically, I’m trying to hint at you people to get me flair.

Oh my gosh, and I listened to that America song by Will.I.Am that’s got like, Seal and Faith Hill and Bono in it? Yeah, not so much a fan. I actually bled from the ears a little bit. I totally prefer the Donque Song.

Inauguration babble in the background

January 19, 2009

snowyYup, so I’m in Long Island now. The ferry ride yesterday ended up being way calmer than I expected and I only puked seventeen times! Hooray! And when we landed (or whatever the term is for when boats reach their destination), we were welcomed with extremely warm weather. As in, above-freezing temperatures! I rejoiced in the parking lot. With my homeless friend Steve. We smoked some crack together and sang around a bonfire of the good ol’ times before the recession. *reminisces* 

The drive to my grandma’s house was kind of horrible though. Because we were on a winding country road with inadequate street lighting, constantly on the lookout for psycho deer that could pop out of the forest at any given moment, completely unannounced and unwelcome. It was also snowing, and although it was only like six something in the evening, the place was deserted. There wasn’t a single car on the road. Not even those creepy snowplow guys. Which made the whole setting really eerie. Especially since the only working radio station* was playing like, acid jazz with weird, trippy, ambient noises thrown in. Super creepy. 

I still have a headache. Not the same one from yesterday, but a new one of slightly greater magnitude. Oh, AND, I woke up this morning with my hands and forearms killing me. Because of my mad shoveling skills, yo. Holla.

I think I’m going to make some coleslaw and prep myself for House. It’s coming on later, but I also need to shower and stalk people on facebook and do something about my headache first. Peace homies!

 

*No Bassam, I do not have an iPod or even an mp3 player. I’m simply not that rich cool.


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