Posts Tagged ‘photoshop’

SEA UNICORNS!

November 30, 2010

Holy shit guys. I just stumbled upon the most incredible piece of information ever to be discovered. It has changed my life on so many levels.

There is a creature… known as…

a Narwhal.

*pause for dramatic effect*

DID YOU KNOW THAT?! HOLY GUACAMOLE! I sure as shit didn’t! So in case you’re stupid and uneducated like me, I will now share with you this life-altering fact.

The Monodon monoceros, or “narwhal,” basically looks like a beluga whale except for one major difference: It has a horn! And not like, a puny rhino horn, nay. A huge, majestic ivory unicorn-horn.

This creature is probably mythological and was hallucinated by some drunk pirates on the Arctic seas, which might explain why I’ve never heard of it before. The drunk pirates then promptly decided to Photoshop tusks onto a herd (pack?) of belugas, create a Wikipedia page, and continue sailing the icy north seas in search of treasure.

Nevertheless, I would like to believe that they do exist. Let’s learn more.

Narwhals can be found in the cold Arctic waters. So basically, if you live in Greenland, I’m jealous of you. Please adopt me and take me out on your boat so that I might catch a real-life glimpse of this amazing sea beast. I will pay you a thousand clams. Or whatever it is you people use as currency.

They eat fish and shrimp and squid and rocks. They’re large and heavy and presumably tasty. They poop glitter and leave a trail of underwater rainbows behind them when they swim. They can dive really deep, and hate dolphins just as much as I do. Basically, they’re the most awesome creatures on Earth.

I will make one my pet.

And it will love me.

Now that we know the facts, it’s time to get to my revolutionary discovery, which will blow. your. mind. Ready? Here’s my philosophy: Back in the days of evolution and stuff, there were just plain old beluga whales. But because both the males and females looked pretty much the same, they had to adopt some sort of secondary sexual attribute (for example, the male lion developed a mane). What did the male narwhals acquire? Tusks. Now check this: horses, right? Both males and females look a little too similar to really tell them apart. So, my point is, even if unicorns don’t exist now, THEY WILL EXIST IN THE NEAR FUTURE!

All is right in the world.

It’s that time of year again…

February 9, 2010

Okay everyone, we’re now a week (and a bit) into the wonderful month of February. I’m sure you all know by now that this means it is a time of joyous celebration and festivity. Not only because the end of winter is near, but also because I am approaching twenty-two fucking years of life on this godforsaken planet.

So for those interested, I have finally compiled my birthday wishlist:

  1. A pony. Preferably one with magical powers.
  2. A camera. At this point in my life, based on my poverty and lack of photo-taking technology, I’m going to be completely honest and say I’m not picky. However, something digital and simple (with high resolution nonetheless) would be in order. Underwater capabilities would be a definite plus.
  3. Two katrillion dollars.
  4. My own planet.
  5. A python and/or iguana, who shall be named Billy and Izzy, respectively.
  6. New Uggs, because my current ones are starting to look dilapidated, and people tell me I look homeless when I wear them. Any colour will suffice, although I’m not particularly a fan of the black ones.
  7. Dare I say, a Blackberry? I’m not too sure whether or not I’ll actually like it though. It just seems to be the norm nowadays, and sometimes I wish I had a Blackberry as a status symbol in today’s fucked up society.
  8. A gift voucher for Virgin, because there’s heaps of things I love in that store, ranging from T-shirts to Apple appliances.
  9. The newest (legal) version of Adobe Photoshop. I used to have a legit version on my old computer, but it was old. Like my computer. Now I have a new computer and no Photoshop. I had a trial version until recently, but then I had to restart my laptop, so my thirty day period expired and now I’m sad. This wish is in direct relation to Wish #2.
  10. The power to control time.
  11. The ability to make human suffrage legal.
  12. 2012.
  13. An African grey parrot who is already trained to speak proper English and follow simple commands. Of course, I would further train him to be my accomplice in world domination, but for the time being, a simple yet open-minded one will do. This wish surpasses Wish #5 by a large margin, but does not necessarily replace it.
  14. My very own crystal meth laboratory. I’ve been working on it for several months now, but it’s a lot more difficult than it seems. So having an up-and-running one would help me a lot, both financially and emotionally.
  15. A new wardrobe. Not physically, rather, content-wise. As in, don’t go to IKEA and buy me a new closet. Instead, get me a lot of new cute clothes, including jeans, shirts, shorts, jackets, and shoes. If you’re confused as to what clothes to buy me, see Wish #3.
  16. A little Asian dude who can be my personal slave/masseur for the rest of my life.
  17. Any form of free dental care. I have several things I wish to accomplish, including a routine checkup, cleaning, the removal of unwanted wisdom teeth, and whitening. Any/all of the above will suffice.
  18. Sushi dinner.
  19. A car. AC and brakes are a plus.
  20. More creativity/brain cells.
  21. Something to kill people with. Household weapons no longer do the trick. A bazooka or two would be nice.
  22. Higher metabolism.

Alright, well that pretty much sums things up! I posted my address somewhere once before, but I’ll have to find it again for those of you who don’t stalk me and haven’t memorised it already. Let me know if you’d like me to tell it to you again.

Other than that, have a good February, and enjoy the shittiest holiday of the year (Valentine’s Day). I’ll be working like the Jumeirah slave that I am.


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