Archive for March, 2011

Word of the Day #5

March 26, 2011

incursion n. an aggressive entrance into foreign territory; a raid or invasion

A slightly related comic. Very slightly.

Note: The figure riding the ovine in the above image is Ten, not me. I only wear purple-striped shirts.

Another note: My respiratory system is suffering from an incursion by flu-like germs, hence the semi-delusional post thing going on here. I don’t even remember writing up to this point. What? Hello? Bessy, is that you?

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The Moth.

March 20, 2011

I know, dramatic title, right? You’re already interested.

Earlier this evening, one of the most traumatising experiences of my life went down in my living room.

I was minding my own business in the kitchen, preparing delicious food that would wind up in my belly in the very near future. Suddenly, I heard Jerome doing that weird chattering sound that cats make when they see prey. I ignored it. Within a few moments, I heard Leona and Bart joining in. I was now sure that ignoring the problem wouldn’t make it go away. So I went to investigate.

Expecting nothing out of the ordinary, I just casually entered my living room, only to find a fucking moth the size of my hand fleeting about the living room. It was angry, it was loud, and I’m pretty sure it was on a quest for blood. So, being the brave girl that I am, I screamed and ran back into the kitchen.

I immediately regretted that decision. You see, I watch NatGeo and Animal Planet and shit. I know quite a lot about animals, including useless random facts that won’t help me in situations like the one I was currently facing. I also know that buggy things in general, are attracted to light. And the living room was darkish. The kitchen, however, was relatively brighter (and smelled delicious). I therefore had only a few moments before the insectosaurus would respond to this difference in the light gradient and come find me, attack me, and kill me for food.

So, realising my mistake, I cowered under the safety of the kitchen table. Surely the demon bird/bat/moth couldn’t get me there. Now I had time to think about my options. First I thought I’d look for some heavy-duty roach-killer spray, and just douse the entire ground floor of my house in it. But then I thought about the cats and the tasty food I was preparing, so I immediately discarded that option. Then I thought I’d just grab a shoe or a rolled-up newspaper or a magazine or something, and swat it. But then I reconsidered the size of the monster, and I didn’t want to hear the splat and clean up a bucket-full of guts. So again, I disregarded that option. Finally, I thought back to my animal programmes and I was all, “WWDAD? What would David Attenborough do?” Surely he wouldn’t kill the beast, rather, he’d find a way to safely remove it from his immediate surroundings.

Very good. Now I had to come up with a plan. I grabbed a pot and fashioned a helmet. I also grabbed a spatula, in case I would be faced with one-on-one combat. I then turned on extra lights in the kitchen to ensure maximum brightness and crawled out into the unknown.

I made it to the hallway.

Lights off.

Continued crawling,

ever alert,

ever vigilant,

ever cautious.

I made it behind enemy lines. The living room. The angry mutant was buzzing around the ceiling, creating sounds louder than a fighter plane. In real life it was probably closer to the sound of an electric pencil sharpener, but my heightened senses may have warped my perception of hearing. Anyway, I was still slowly and silently stalking my prey, and finally managed to sneak by unnoticed, to the other side of the living room. Once there, I nimbly reached up with my spatula, and switched off the lights. The entire ground floor was now dark, with the exception of the kitchen.

In retrospect, I should have turned off all the lights in the kitchen and done it the other way around, but I tend to think irrationally when my adrenaline levels get high, so… yeah. Just ignore that, okay?

I swiftly army-crawled my way back to the kitchen, to prepare for stage two of the ambush.

My plan was brilliant and cunning. I would wait for the massive birdbug in the corner near the dishwasher. Once it approached the bright kitchen and started attacking the lights, I would leap up with my spatula and tease it into a trap-like contraption that I built out of tupperware, tape, and kitchen utensils. Once captured, I would free the demon outside, unharmed, and far away from my house. Such a perfect plan! All I had to do was wait.

So I waited.

And waited.

And… waited.

Slightly annoyed at the possibility of not being able to use my tupperware trap, I stood up to look for it.

pling!

What? It just flew into my pot-helmet! It was actually initiating an epic battle, which proceeded right then and there in the kitchen. Mind you, I didn’t want moth-guts in my food though, so I had to be smart. Spatula in one hand, swatting frantically, I eventually managed to (and I kid you not) hit the thing into the trap, causing it to fall shut. It was exactly like a Tom & Jerry cartoon. And I won.

Pleased at my victory, I went to examine my catch. It was hairy, large, and hideous. But then, an amazing thing happened. It spread its wings, as if to curtsy and acknowledge the excellent fight we just had, and underneath the gruesomeness, the moth was stunningly beautiful! It was only then that I even remembered how closely related butterflies and moths are (one main difference being, of course, that butterflies flap their wings gracefully and quietly, not like a fucking jackhammer). Nevertheless, I felt a pang of guilt for ever being so frightened of this surprisingly peaceful and gorgeous creature.

Careful not to damage anything, I slowly carried the contraption to the terrace, where I released my captive. I was slightly sad by this point to see it go, but I wiped away the single tear that slid down the side of my face and swallowed my cry. “Goodbye, young warrior,” I whispered into the night.

Retreating back into my house, reminiscing on the events that just occured, I realised something.

Never battle a giant moth when you have food on the stove because chances are, it’ll burn.

Apologies and a non-sequiturs

March 12, 2011

I realise that the content on my blog this past week has been kinda lacking. It’s because I don’t care about you. No, I’m kidding a little bit. I do “care” but I also have other things to do. So… sorry.

Kay and now that the apology is outta the way, I’m gunna post some random comics I’ve been working on. Yep, this is what I’m too busy with to write. No, not really. But, you know, it sounds cooler than saying I’m studying for exams and working on presentations.

In other news, I had a weird dream about sharks and whales the other day.

<insert witty toucan pun here>

UPDATE: I just realised the severity of my patheticness. Also, “patheticness” is not a real word. I did not know that until now.

Just a quick notice about wine

March 12, 2011

Okay I’m going to be honest here for a second. Wine is wine. Okay? I hate it when people are all “Oh, this twentieth-century Victorian wine from the hills of Blahdiblah is so scrumptious and delectable, my taste buds bow down in worship at the slightest sniff of it!” Unless you’re one of those freaks who doesn’t have a life and went to wine-tasting school for twenty years, don’t tell me you can taste the difference between a 1923, a 1985, or a 2010.

It all tastes like fermented grapes.

Word of the Day #4

March 5, 2011

herpetology n. the branch of zoology that deals with reptiles and amphibians

 

How NOT to make potato chips*

March 1, 2011

*Or “crisps,” if you’re a douchebag

So I was craving some salt and vinegar potato chips today. Not having any in my house, I decided I’d make my own. I mean, it can’t be that hard, right? Thinly peel a potato, add some salt, add some vinegar, throw everything in the oven, and call it a day, right?

Wrong.

Here’s what I did, which you shouldn’t do, and perhaps you can even give me some pointers.

Step 1: Thinly peel a potato, keeping the thickness of the slices as even as possible.

Step 2: In a separate bowl, mix some oil, vinegar, and salt.

Step 3: Soak the potato slices in the magical mixture of deliciousness.

Step 4: Preheat oven to 210˚ C

Step 5: Line a baking tray with aluminum foil. Baste a little bit extra oil and salt (to prevent sticking).

Step 6: Place soaked potato slices on tray, making sure no slices touch.

Step 7: Place tray in oven, somewhere in the middle.

Step 8: Bake for like 10 minutes, or until golden brown.

Step 9: Remove tray from oven.

Step 10: Cry.

What did I do wrong?! They were soggy-ish raw (but burnt), and tasted like the smell of a horse’s butt hole. Please, someone, give me a recipe that works, because apparently I’m retarded and lack common sense.

In the meantime, I’m just gunna go buy a pack of Lays.


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