Posts Tagged ‘snow’

Day 3 – A pre-Christmas miracle

December 2, 2012

It snowed today! This is good for several reasons. 1) It means it was warm today (only like -10!), 2) The snow covered all the slippery ice so my chances of falling on my face and/or shattering my spine greatly decreased, and 3) The humidity level was finally higher than 2%, so I didn’t get super dehydrated and my face skin is still in tact! It’s a pre-Christmas miracle!

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Quick update for those of you who I don’t trust enough to be my facebook friends: We went to some sort of Christmas bazar thing today with like, the only other 20 foreigners in the entire country. I bought some ornaments for myself and maybe some lil souvenir gifts for some people. Maybe. Then we went to the mall and I bought a sausage and ate it and it was delicious. Then we went home.

The End.

Oh and I might as well share some other things I’ve learned about this place so far (in case, you know, you need to come rescue me):

1. No one speaks English or has ever heard of it or even knows that another language other than Kazakh and mayyyyybe Russian exists. No joke. And this sucks because all I know how to say is da (yes), nyet (no), spaziba (thank you), pajalista (please), Stolichnaya  (Stolichnaya), Engliski (English), and dasvendanje (bye). And I’m not even sure if those are the same words in Kazakh. So to communicate, you need to be fluent in sign language. Or Kazakh. Whichever you find easier.
2. Kazakhs are apparently obsessed with Maroon 5. I’m not sure why. But in the grocery store, on the radio in the taxi, on the local music channels, you name it – Adam Levine’s melodious feminine voice is to be heard. And that shit stays stuck in your head, too. So I’m like, slipping on a patch of ice somewhere, and in my head I’m all, “I got the moves like Jagger…”

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3. Any part of your body that is exposed to the air will fall off within a matter of minutes. I had to go drop something off last night at Ma’s friend’s apartment across the courtyard. It’s literally 25 meters away. I had to get mad bundled up, and then I was all like “Oh it’s not that far – I totes don’t need my scarf and gloves.” WRONG. YOU ALWAYS NEED YOUR SCARF AND GLOVES! My face went through the entire spectrum of colours, from normal to red to blue to purple to white and back again, and my hands had no feeling or sensation left. You could have shot me in each hand twice and I wouldn’t’ve felt it, from how numb they were. The funniest part is watching me try to light a cigarette in this state. And by funny I mean, laugh and I’ll kill you.

4. I’ve lived in cold places before. I’ve experienced snow for years. I know what it’s like. I also know that proactive measures are taken to ensure that the roads are cleared of snow as quickly as possible. This is done with a snow plow and salt. In Kazakhstan, they haven’t learned this yet. There is no pavement. There are no streets. You’re just driving constantly on snow. And walking on ice. Don’t get me wrong – they try! But they’re doing it wrong. I saw a guy today use water to break up the snow and then shovel it across the sidewalk. Uhm. Water freezes, asshole. Thanks in advance for the spinal fracture.

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5. All female Kazakhs are born with high-heels on their lil baby feet. This is the only explanation as to how they can possibly walk long and dangerous distances (I’ve even seen chicks RUN! Like, run to catch a bus, or run across the street) in 5 inch hooker boots that have zero traction.

Okay and that’s all for now. I need to go lie on top of the radiator for a while.

Day One – Captain’s Log

November 30, 2012

I’ve never felt this cold in all my conscious years of living. Like, seriously. It’s not even describable in words. When I landed, I honestly thought my hands would fall off while I was smoking. It was -18 degrees when I landed and still getting colder. And Ma had the audacity to tell me “It’s actually not that cold today!”

Some things worthy of note:

– I didn’t realise we were landing. I thought we were still in the clouds. This place is a barren wasteland, surrounded for like 500 km on all sides with tundra and wolves and bears. I took a picture when I landed. It’s on facebook, but my rendition looks like this:

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– There is a 90% chance that I will return without a face and hands.

– The toilet in Ma’s apartment has a heated seat and, wait for it… A BUTTON THAT YOU PUSH SO THAT WATER SPRAYS INTO YOUR POOP HOLE AND CLEANS IT FOR YOU! They have one setting for men, and one for women. Not really sure how that works.

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– There were fireworks at the palace across the street when we drove up to the apartment. I think they sensed my arrival.

– In order to go outside even for three seconds, a typical outfit consists of: a t-shirt, a sweater, a light jacket, a bigger jacket, a scarf, a hat (with ear coverage), leggings and/or thermal long underwear, jeans, and boots that cover at least halfway to the knee. If you miss one of the aforementioned items, you will perish.

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– Putting on the above mentioned array of clothing requires at least 15 minutes. We’re staying on the 11th floor. Perhaps it’s time to quit smoking?

– WordPress is actually blocked in Kazakhstan, so don’t tell the government I’m here before they come get m

Inauguration babble in the background

January 19, 2009

snowyYup, so I’m in Long Island now. The ferry ride yesterday ended up being way calmer than I expected and I only puked seventeen times! Hooray! And when we landed (or whatever the term is for when boats reach their destination), we were welcomed with extremely warm weather. As in, above-freezing temperatures! I rejoiced in the parking lot. With my homeless friend Steve. We smoked some crack together and sang around a bonfire of the good ol’ times before the recession. *reminisces* 

The drive to my grandma’s house was kind of horrible though. Because we were on a winding country road with inadequate street lighting, constantly on the lookout for psycho deer that could pop out of the forest at any given moment, completely unannounced and unwelcome. It was also snowing, and although it was only like six something in the evening, the place was deserted. There wasn’t a single car on the road. Not even those creepy snowplow guys. Which made the whole setting really eerie. Especially since the only working radio station* was playing like, acid jazz with weird, trippy, ambient noises thrown in. Super creepy. 

I still have a headache. Not the same one from yesterday, but a new one of slightly greater magnitude. Oh, AND, I woke up this morning with my hands and forearms killing me. Because of my mad shoveling skills, yo. Holla.

I think I’m going to make some coleslaw and prep myself for House. It’s coming on later, but I also need to shower and stalk people on facebook and do something about my headache first. Peace homies!

 

*No Bassam, I do not have an iPod or even an mp3 player. I’m simply not that rich cool.

Ugh.

January 18, 2009

headache!So you know how I was supposed to go to Long Island today? Yeah well I wake up, right? And there’s a big snow storm swirling around my window. AND I have a headache. ANNDDD, I’m supposed to go shovel the driveway. The problem with the snow storm is that at some point I’m gunna be on a ferry and I don’t necessarily want to reenact any scene from the Titanic. The problem with my headache is that I’m going to be trapped in a fast moving car with my mom for like, two hours. And the addition of snow most likely means no radio the whole trip, so she can “concentrate.” The problem with the shoveling bit is that it’s still snowing. Which means by the time I’m at the end of the driveway, the beginning will be completely covered again. Life can be so sneaky and vicious sometimes. Keep a lookout on facebook later for some horribly cold pictures.

Oh yeah, I guess I still haven’t officially told everyone what the deal is with my back, hey? So it turns out after a billion and a half MRIs that my bones are in fact, healed properly. There’s almost no trace of a previous fracture. You’d think that’s good news, right? Wrong. Because that basically means that my problem isn’t easily fixable via surgery, rather, it’s being cheeky and mysterious. Where is the pain and stiffness coming from? 

Arthritis. Yup, you heard correctly. Due to the constant wear and tear on my bones and ligaments and tendons and whatever other kind of freaky deaky stuff is in that region (I forgot everything I learned in AP Biology, sorry), I now have arthritis. I was kinda under the impression that that’s only something old people get, but yeah. It seems I’ve sped up the process and I have the back of a sixty-year-old. Fun!

Is it treatable? Yes and no. I can do physical therapy and take a bunch of meds for the pain, but the arthritis itself is not treatable. I guess “manageable” is a better word to use. Which is still good! Also, since my bones are technically healed, you know what that means… extreme sports, woo!  Muahaha, just kidding. Kind of. But not really. Actually, not at all. I’m serious. Cliff jumping, sky diving, skiing, dune bashing, ice skating (that’s pretty extreme, right?), and anything else that could potentially result in serious injuries has been approved by my doctor! Yes! But don’t tell Ma.

In related news, I’m also suffering from post concussive syndrome. I don’t really know what that is, but the doctor said that because of multiple trauma to my head, I still have like, brain-bruising or something. And he said that’s probably what’s responsible for my constant snapping at people. Just so you know. Don’t judge me! I’m not heartless!

Yeah so the snow’s only getting worse. Maybe I should get started on the shoveling? Although I’d much rather get hit by a cement truck.


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