Archive for May, 2011

Sleeping Doodie

May 20, 2011

Okay so I’ve been at my laptop for like, three or four hours, waiting for Ten to wake up. She gets freakishly aggressive in the mornings. Like, her subconscious is obscene and rude and mean.

Anyway, it’s now after ten o’clock and my belly is making that noise that means “put food in me or I’ll acidify your insides,” and I really wanna go for coffee and breakfast and stuff, but I’m scared to wake Ten. I tried earlier and she retorted with a sarcastically mean comment.

So instead, I’ve been drawing outfits. Here’s one of them.

I’ve also been watching YouTube videos and crying openly. No, really. I’m like actually starving.

Oh and WordPress today was all “Your browser is old and shitty! Fix it here!” So I went to download the new one for Leopard, and it’s not working. Boo on Safari.

I’m going to stop writing pointless nonsense now and maybe trigger a fire alarm or something to get my sister out of bed without getting mad at me.

Landed

May 18, 2011

Okay so usually at this point of any trip, I write a long, detailed post about how shitty/awesome the flying experience was. This time, however, I’ll just share the main highlights.

The DXB-AMS flight was practically empty. So I stretched out and slept a lot. Also, I watched Social Network.

The Amsterdam security guy who determines whether or not you’re a terrorist and either allows you through the gate or sends you to jail was all, “Do you have any electronics?” I was like, “Yeah, a lot.” So he asked me to unpack them and put them in individual boxes. I had one for my camera, one for my laptop, one for my hard drive, one for my drawing tablet, one for my phone, one for my iPod, and one for the three damaged cables I’m taking with me to “get replaced for free” (as my delusional mother believes). The security guy then concluded that if I was a terrorist/bomber, he probably wouldn’t want to mess with me, because I had ten potential bombs in my carry-on.

After the bombing incident, I had to go through a scary x-ray machine thing. I pretended I had a pace maker and was seizing (because I thought it would be funny), but they took me seriously. It was really awkward to explain that I was joking, and I could tell they were judging me. One security lady was all “She’s got a fucked up sense of humour” in Dutch. She could have said “Someone get me a bagel before I pass out” because honestly, I don’t speak Dutch. But I’m pretty sure she said the former.

On the AMS-BOS flight (which was the dodgiest Delta flight ever) none of the cabin crew were younger than forty. Also, one of the screens in the aisle was displaying the movie upside down, and when I pointed this out to the grandfather of stewards, he was like, “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. I mean, this plane was built in 1937…” And I was like, “WHAT?!” I wasn’t sure if he was serious or joking, so to calm my nerves, I went to sleep.

I played with a drug-sniffing dog at Logan Int’l Airport. Then his owner (a mean security lady) came over and got mad at me.

And that’s it! We got home, did stuff, and by eleven I passed out. Then I woke up at four in the morning (ah, jet-lag) and just kinda sat around for three hours before I came up with the genius idea of doing stuff on my laptop, which is why I’m blogging now.

So, yeah. I’ll write more as it happens. Also, get ready for loads of pictures. I suggest checking facebook periodically.

Travel Plans

May 16, 2011

Guess what, my little minions? It’s that time of year again when it’s way too hot to stay in Dubai, and the only thing to do is book a vacation to Greenland!

Unfortunately, I have no friends or relatives there, nor do I have money to stay in Nuuk hotels, nor does Greenland even have an airport to fly into! And I’m definitely not swimming there. I just got my hair done.

Instead, I’m doing my usual New England run, so I’ll be gone for a little while. I’m leaving tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn, and I’m back in two weeks. So although I’m bringing all of my necessary electronics, I just thought you should know that I will probs be using the degenerative influences of American life as an excuse to not post anything during that time.

To make this a little easier on you guys, I’ve drawn another insanely hilarious knock-knock joke. And yes, that polar bear looks familiar because I was too lazy to draw a brand new one.

Note: Greenland does have an airport. Several, actually. I just Googled it.

WTIA #4

May 12, 2011

Speaking of awkward, one of my search stats today was “how to type a two with letters.” What does that even mean?!

I’m really disappointed in you.

May 10, 2011

So, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m still not famous. No one has offered me a book deal, no one has sent copious amounts of cash into my PayPal account (send as “gift” to: olj5f@virginia.edu), and no one has implored me to market any of their shit for them. Why is this so?

From my end, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. I’m posting high-quality nonsense regularlyish, I include magnificent works of art into most posts, I help you with your vokabyularee, and I make your otherwise shitty and mundane lives full of happiness and laughter.

So really, I think this all comes down to you. You need to start taking proactive measures so that I can make money by sitting around online. I’m almost done with uni and I don’t want a real job! I don’t want to wear clothes suits! I don’t want a nine-to-five working environment! I want to make money doing stuff I like, namely, sitting around in my underwear and blogging. Maybe sell some books. Maybe do some creative advertising. Maybe open a shop on Etsy and sell cute things like used heroin needles and exotic birds. You know, fun stuff.

Now, I’ve already written a post, detailing steps you can take to help make me famous. I suggest you reread it and go out there and do it. Because once I’m famous (i.e. rich enough to buy a pack of gum whenever I want, without having to calculate my losses), I can do fun things for you, too! I’ll have contests and giveaways and prizes and all sorts of cool things. And really, who doesn’t like winning free stuff?

Exactly.

So get on it.

NOTE: For those of you concerned that my hard-earned money won’t be going to good use, that part about sending my mom to an old folks’ home was a joke. (Wwwwink!)

Word(s) of the Day #7

May 9, 2011

tragedy n. An event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress [“Rebecca Black’s voice, face, video, lyrics, and everything else about her, are a real tragedy.]

travesty n. A false, absurd, or distorted representation of something [“Rebecca Black is a travesty of the music industry.”]

Note: Unlike hone and home, these words cannot be used interchangeably. So if you’re unsure of the correct usage, make sure you have this page bookmarked to help you.

More fruity knock-knock jokes

May 8, 2011

No seriously guys? These are epic. How do I come up with this stuff? I should be a joke writer.


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