Posts Tagged ‘unicorn’

SEA UNICORNS!

November 30, 2010

Holy shit guys. I just stumbled upon the most incredible piece of information ever to be discovered. It has changed my life on so many levels.

There is a creature… known as…

a Narwhal.

*pause for dramatic effect*

DID YOU KNOW THAT?! HOLY GUACAMOLE! I sure as shit didn’t! So in case you’re stupid and uneducated like me, I will now share with you this life-altering fact.

The Monodon monoceros, or “narwhal,” basically looks like a beluga whale except for one major difference: It has a horn! And not like, a puny rhino horn, nay. A huge, majestic ivory unicorn-horn.

This creature is probably mythological and was hallucinated by some drunk pirates on the Arctic seas, which might explain why I’ve never heard of it before. The drunk pirates then promptly decided to Photoshop tusks onto a herd (pack?) of belugas, create a Wikipedia page, and continue sailing the icy north seas in search of treasure.

Nevertheless, I would like to believe that they do exist. Let’s learn more.

Narwhals can be found in the cold Arctic waters. So basically, if you live in Greenland, I’m jealous of you. Please adopt me and take me out on your boat so that I might catch a real-life glimpse of this amazing sea beast. I will pay you a thousand clams. Or whatever it is you people use as currency.

They eat fish and shrimp and squid and rocks. They’re large and heavy and presumably tasty. They poop glitter and leave a trail of underwater rainbows behind them when they swim. They can dive really deep, and hate dolphins just as much as I do. Basically, they’re the most awesome creatures on Earth.

I will make one my pet.

And it will love me.

Now that we know the facts, it’s time to get to my revolutionary discovery, which will blow. your. mind. Ready? Here’s my philosophy: Back in the days of evolution and stuff, there were just plain old beluga whales. But because both the males and females looked pretty much the same, they had to adopt some sort of secondary sexual attribute (for example, the male lion developed a mane). What did the male narwhals acquire? Tusks. Now check this: horses, right? Both males and females look a little too similar to really tell them apart. So, my point is, even if unicorns don’t exist now, THEY WILL EXIST IN THE NEAR FUTURE!

All is right in the world.

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How you are perceived based on your typing style

November 9, 2010

The 5-year-old who just smoked crack rocks in the basement and now hallucinates cats. Probably not a child. Probably not on crack. And there are probably no cats involved. This typer is just a sick, sick person who finds pleasure in tainting the web with z’s and lol’s.

The wannabe emo teenager who’s actually an adult and can’t spell for shit. Key characteristics: Uses “2” instead of “two/to/too”. Uses “4” instead of “four/for.” Uses single letters instead of full words (e.g. u = you). Combines letters and numbers to create words (e.g. b4 = before).

The unicorn who just ate a bunch of shrooms. People who type like this need to have their arms chopped off at the elbows. If that doesn’t stop them from coming in contact with a keyboard, shoot on sight.

The lazy college kid who sits around facebook all day. The only thing missing in this typer’s style is a bit of appropriate capitalisation and the occasional apostrophe. But because he’s in college, a lack in motivation is completely understandable. It’s just sad because there’s so much potential! *sheds a tear*

The ADHD princess who can’t be bothered to type full sentences. A plethora of exclamation marks tends to be used, and almost everything is abbreviated into an acronym.


The overweight, balding, 50-year-old gaming nerd who pretends to be a kid in chat-rooms.


The totally awesome Ona (and people who aspire to be like her, but never quite make it).


One Decade Later

July 6, 2010

Ten years from now, I’m going to be in my early thirties. That’s depressing. What do I hope my life will be like?

Well first of all, let’s talk about my personal hopes. I hope I don’t look old. Yet somehow, with all the smoking and sun exposure, it’s very likely I’ll look like keeper of the crypt. I hope my hair is still full and luscious, my skin still taught and vibrant, and my teeth still in tact. I also hope I maintain a normal weight. Basically, I hope to look like Katie Holmes, in the sense that she’s fit, she looks healthy, and if you had to guess her age, you’d be like “Ehhh, late twenties, early thirties?” which is exactly what I’m going for. Minus the whole being married to a Scientologist dwarf thing.

Next up are my professional hopes. Hopefully in ten years from now I’ll either have my own marketing firm, or I’ll at least be at the top of an already existing one. I want to have a big office on the 20th floor or higher, with two walls entirely made out of glass and displaying a gorgeous view of the metropolitan city below. I hope to be a reputable individual, who’s good at what she does, and I want to enjoy my career. I hope to be able to travel a lot (for business consultancies and whatnot), and I hope to grow, even if I’m already at the top. I mean, the last thing I’d want is to have a stagnant, dead-end job that I hate. So hopefully that doesn’t happen.

As far as families are concerned, I know it’s the norm to hope for a happy marriage with a handsome husband and beautiful children, but do I really want that? Let’s wait a while and see what happens, I’m not going to write anything on paper. Babies. *shudder*

I hope my sister is the successful doctor that she always wanted to be and develops the cure for cancer. I hope my mom is retired by then and living in an institute for crazy old people. Just kidding! But I do hope she’s retired and just goes on a trip around the world or something. I hope Amadeus is two meters long and breathes fire (although it’s quite difficult to train an iguana). I hope they invent a way to make long-distance traveling easier and/or faster because I’m sick of the airline industry. I hope all drugs are legalised. I hope every day the sky is filled with rainbows. I hope all cashiers are glittering unicorns who poop the correct change directly into your wallet. I hope… ah wait. I’m getting out of hand.

So basically, if I land that perfect job in a few years and I quit smoking, this ten year plan seems pretty feasible. Mainly because it’s superficial and vain, but hey, I’m just answering the question.


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