Posts Tagged ‘sad’

How NOT to make potato chips*

March 1, 2011

*Or “crisps,” if you’re a douchebag

So I was craving some salt and vinegar potato chips today. Not having any in my house, I decided I’d make my own. I mean, it can’t be that hard, right? Thinly peel a potato, add some salt, add some vinegar, throw everything in the oven, and call it a day, right?


Here’s what I did, which you shouldn’t do, and perhaps you can even give me some pointers.

Step 1: Thinly peel a potato, keeping the thickness of the slices as even as possible.

Step 2: In a separate bowl, mix some oil, vinegar, and salt.

Step 3: Soak the potato slices in the magical mixture of deliciousness.

Step 4: Preheat oven to 210˚ C

Step 5: Line a baking tray with aluminum foil. Baste a little bit extra oil and salt (to prevent sticking).

Step 6: Place soaked potato slices on tray, making sure no slices touch.

Step 7: Place tray in oven, somewhere in the middle.

Step 8: Bake for like 10 minutes, or until golden brown.

Step 9: Remove tray from oven.

Step 10: Cry.

What did I do wrong?! They were soggy-ish raw (but burnt), and tasted like the smell of a horse’s butt hole. Please, someone, give me a recipe that works, because apparently I’m retarded and lack common sense.

In the meantime, I’m just gunna go buy a pack of Lays.


R.I.P. Frederick

March 18, 2009

Residing ‘twixt the kitchen sink and the coffee maker, his fishbowl always held a glimmer of happiness.

The bowl itself refracted sunlight not only across the room, but across the hearts of anyone lucky enough to be nearby. Perfectly accented angles of light bounced off the smooth, shiny, glass surface in all directions.

Staring into the depths of his little Utopia, the crystal clear water would ripple seductively with each sigh of content and awe that one would exhale. And the star himself, the focus of everyone’s attention, would swim elegantly through the crisp water, his long and lustrous tail swaying gracefully behind him. Mesmerizing his audience with the fluidity of his movements, Frederick would glide through the water like a feather in the breeze. Ever twisting and tumbling and twirling in a dream-like manner, his gills shimmered and glistened in the light.

Having a strong passion for life, Frederick always had the ability to lift the mood of any passerby. This is the one characteristic that we will all remember and cherish most about Frederick.

Even those who have not had the privilege to know Frederick personally will be able to understand the serene feelings that this little fish invoked. The satisfaction of stretching in bed every morning, the breeze that whispers past and kisses you on the cheek on a hot summer afternoon, the calming sounds of breaking waves, the warmth and smell of laundry fresh out of the dryer… These are all sensations that are similar to the aura surrounding Frederick, but still do not come close to describing its magnificent power. The general idea, however, can be imagined.

Frederick was a wonderful fish and it saddens me deeply that he is no longer with us in body. But his spirit still surrounds us, and his exuberance will remain alive in our minds, hearts, and souls.

Although the kitchen is no longer as vibrant and lively as it once was, the memory of a great pet will linger on for years to come. May his tiny little body rest in peace.

Suicidal Tea

March 13, 2009

So there’s this commercial on TV that makes me almost cry every time I see it. But it’s really beautiful in a low-budget sort of way. Some of you may know it:

There’s this woman in the kitchen, and she’s boiling some water for tea. When the kettle whistles, she reaches over to this cute little glass jar, in which there are several bags of Lipton tea. She then enjoys her tea.

The punchline of the commercial, however, is that now Lipton has made their tea boxes with like, magical freshness foil or something, so you no longer need to use a big ol’ jar. So the woman in the kitchen obviously buys it (otherwise there’d be no point to the commercial), and the next time she makes tea, she neglects her loyal jar.

The kettle boils, the jar condensates, and then the woman reaches past the jar for the new freshness foil Lipton box .  The jar then sheds a single tear of utter despair and sorrow, knowing that it is now useless and has no more reason for living.

He then shuffles over to the window and jumps. And all you hear a second later is the sound of shattering glass, followed by the voice-over talking about how much cooler this new tea is.

Sad, innit? Anyway the reason why I’m posting this isn’t to make you suicidal and/or crave tea. No. The reason is twofold: Firstly, I can’t find the video clip online anywhere, but I’m emo enough to want my own copy to watch whenever I wish. So find it for me please? And secondly, Shall We Dance is on TV and I’m bored out of my skull because it’s one of the lamest movies ever made. So I thought I’d multitask.

In other news, my spring break is almost over, and it’s making me sad.

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