Posts Tagged ‘yum’

A delicious lunch idea

February 6, 2011

I’m one of those people who loves eating, but my house rarely has food in it. More often than not, if you open my fridge, you’ll find all kinds of low-fat gross stuff (i.e. skimmed milk?!) that my mom likes, but you’ll be delusional lucky if you find cheese or bread or Coke or chicken or anything good. I mean, every once in a while there’ll be like, turkey breast, or juice, or… I dunno, a frozen pizza, but most of the time, there’s no food in the house.

The other day was one of those days. I opened the fridge and it was as barren as the Mojave Desert. I even saw a little tumbleweed blow by, that’s how empty it was.

However, the point of this post isn’t to dwell on the negative past. Instead, I’m going to teach you how to enjoy a meal, even if you think you don’t have any food in the house.  It’s like magic, only better!

First, let me give you a few tips on how you can locate food items that might be invisible to you:

  • Do you have cats? Do they eat tuna? If you answered yes to both questions, then you do have food in your house. Tuna can be prepared in so many different ways, it’s ridiculous. When in doubt, starve the cats so you yourself can eat!
  • Here’s something people frequently forget: eggs are edible! You’re bound to have some eggs in your fridge, so why not go and boil them? Or fry them, scramble them, omelette them, whatever. Point is, you’ve got food.
  • You know those two secret drawers at the bottom of the fridge? Open them up and take a look around. You might find vegetables that are still good to eat.
  • Potatoes. You’ve got them in your house somewhere. Even if they have those cancerous roots sprouting out of them, you can cut them right out. Potatoes last for fucking ever. And they’re delicious. And can be enjoyed in many different ways as well.
  • Check on top of the fridge, or in your pantry, if maybe you have cereal. If desperate, eat by the handful.
  • Don’t forget about sauces! They can come in handy to jazz up a boring, stale food item.

Now that I’ve given you a few tips, let me give you the recipe for what I had for lunch on the day the Mojave Desert came by for a visit. Not only was it delicious, but the meal was fashioned from random shit I found in my foodless house:



Chop all vegetables except garlic and place into a large bowl.

Put stale bread in toaster. When toasted, cut into smallish (2cm x 2cm) squares. You now have croutons. Add to bowl of vegetables.

Shred cheese. Add to bowl of vegetables and croutons.

Cut or crumble crispy bacon into small pieces. You now have bacon bits. Add to bowl of vegetables and croutons and shredded cheese.

Open can of tuna. Squeeze out all the water/oil/brine. Take half the tuna out. Add to bowl of vegetables and croutons and shredded cheese and bacon bits.

Boil eggs (I like them medium). Peel and halve. Add to bowl of vegetables and croutons and shredded cheese and bacon bits and tuna.

Put the bowl of vegetables, croutons, shredded cheese, bacon bits, tuna, and eggs aside for the time being.

Get another (smaller) bowl.

Finely chop one little sliver of garlic. Add to bowl.

Take three table spoons of balsamic vinegar. Add to bowl with garlic.

Take one table spoon olive oil. Add to bowl with garlic an balsamic vinegar.

Take one table spoon soy sauce. Add to bowl with garlic and balsamic vinegar and olive oil.

Mix vigorously.


If too bitter, add more soy sauce. If too salty, add more oil. If too oily, add more balsamic vinegar. If too spicy, you used too much garlic, even though I specifically mentioned to use only one little sliver.

Pour contents of smaller bowl over contents in larger bowl.

Eat and enjoy, you can thank me later.



Glycyrrhiza Glabra

January 6, 2010

Licorice. It’s the best confectionary in the entire universe and all parallel universes as well. This is not a debatable opinion; it is scientific fact.

Extracted from the root of Glycyrrhiza Glabra, licorice in its rawest form is then combined with the sweet tears of an angel and a drop of unicorn blood to produce the black, salty magic that causes my taste buds to go apeshit. It is so delicious. Words cannot even begin to describe how amazingly delectable black licorice is. It’s like the Ghandi of candy. Because honestly, who doesn’t love Ghandi?

Now that my affection with licorice has been made known, I must clarify something. There are some sick people in this world who have decided to imitate the taste of licorice, mix it with a shit load of sugar and carcinogenic additives, and subsequently sell it in stores under the inappropriate name “licorice.” For example, if you buy black Hershey’s Twizzlers, those are not licorice. If you eat black Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, those are not licorice. If you open a bag of Panda Licorice Soft Chews, those are not licorice. So do not be fooled. Because exactly such cheap imitations of licorice are the ones that are marketed in the U.S. and make people (including myself) projectile vomit because they taste like ass. No seriously. That shit (no pun intended) tastes like it came out of a rectum and was instantaneously packaged and sent to grocery stores.

If you are amongst the few, worthy people who are brave enough to try the real thing, I will now offer a few suggestions. As I’ve mentioned in a comment on a previous post, Venco brand licorice is in my opinion (the only opinion that matters) the best. It is the Sistine Chapel of licorice. The Burj Dubai. The Batman. The God, if you will, of all licorice. Katjes is also a respectable brand, especially Salzige Heringe and Katzen Pfötchen. Haribo is mediocre. But if Haribo is the only thing available, it’ll do.

That having been said, please don’t hesitate to send me large quantities of the aforementioned brands, though preferably the former two. Email me and I’ll give you my shipping details. I expect to see trucks full of salted black licorice outside my house within the coming weeks.

If I don’t, there will be consequences.

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