Posts Tagged ‘food’

God(s) of Cookery

May 7, 2011

Yeah yeah, I know, you don’t have to say anything. It’s been over a week. But you know what? I don’t care.

You haven’t really missed anything. Also, I’ve been uninspired. But today, I’m going to share with you a brief  post about Adam’s and my cooking challenge!

Originally, we used to have a barbecue every Friday (or a braai if you’re South African). Of course it has since become excruciatingly hot, so instead of outdoor grilling, we decided to move our extraordinary talent indoors. “What brought this on?” you might ask. Two words: MasterChef Australia.

Each week, Adam and I must prepare at least one dish, alternating between starters and mains. But the problem is, it turns into a legit competition, complete with sabotage, swearing, poison, and a few bitchslaps. The kitchen is literally Hell (pun intended, if you watch any cooking shows, possibly ones starring Chef Ramsay).

I’m going to share with you some of the dishes we’ve made so far. If you want recipes, contact me somehow and I’ll just spit in your face and tell you to Google them.

Breaded Breast of Chicken – Adam / Main / Score: 9.5

Adam made a delicious chicken once. It was succulent and juicy on the inside, yet crispy and thymeful on the outside. He made his own breadcrumbs and his own sauce. Phenomenal!

Mini Lamb Steaks, with Crumble Topping – Ona / Main / Score: 8.5

Aw man, this started out a disaster, but in the end I sorta won. Because I had to resort to oven baking, the lamb was a bit dry, but the crumble was goooorgeous. I’m not even going to talk about the risotto.

Garden Salad with Poached Prawn and Tangy Vinaigrette – Adam / Starter / Score: 9

Yep, this salad was as good as it sounds. I still would have preferred grilled prawns, but the poached ones were tasty and perfect nonetheless.

Spicy Thai Chicken Salad – Ona / Starter / Score: 9.5

Spicy and delicious and amazing, with a sauce that tasted exactly like the heart and soul of Thailand.

And there were a bunch of other dishes as well, including Kappa Maki, oven-grilled chicken, spinach/strawberry salad, and Adam’s magnificent dual meat skewers. Next week it’s my turn on mains again, so we’ll see what happens. Check Adam’s blog for possible updates and photos of our cooking adventures!

P.S. The title of this post is the title of a real movie. Download it (with subtitles!) because it’s funny as hell.


A delicious lunch idea

February 6, 2011

I’m one of those people who loves eating, but my house rarely has food in it. More often than not, if you open my fridge, you’ll find all kinds of low-fat gross stuff (i.e. skimmed milk?!) that my mom likes, but you’ll be delusional lucky if you find cheese or bread or Coke or chicken or anything good. I mean, every once in a while there’ll be like, turkey breast, or juice, or… I dunno, a frozen pizza, but most of the time, there’s no food in the house.

The other day was one of those days. I opened the fridge and it was as barren as the Mojave Desert. I even saw a little tumbleweed blow by, that’s how empty it was.

However, the point of this post isn’t to dwell on the negative past. Instead, I’m going to teach you how to enjoy a meal, even if you think you don’t have any food in the house.  It’s like magic, only better!

First, let me give you a few tips on how you can locate food items that might be invisible to you:

  • Do you have cats? Do they eat tuna? If you answered yes to both questions, then you do have food in your house. Tuna can be prepared in so many different ways, it’s ridiculous. When in doubt, starve the cats so you yourself can eat!
  • Here’s something people frequently forget: eggs are edible! You’re bound to have some eggs in your fridge, so why not go and boil them? Or fry them, scramble them, omelette them, whatever. Point is, you’ve got food.
  • You know those two secret drawers at the bottom of the fridge? Open them up and take a look around. You might find vegetables that are still good to eat.
  • Potatoes. You’ve got them in your house somewhere. Even if they have those cancerous roots sprouting out of them, you can cut them right out. Potatoes last for fucking ever. And they’re delicious. And can be enjoyed in many different ways as well.
  • Check on top of the fridge, or in your pantry, if maybe you have cereal. If desperate, eat by the handful.
  • Don’t forget about sauces! They can come in handy to jazz up a boring, stale food item.

Now that I’ve given you a few tips, let me give you the recipe for what I had for lunch on the day the Mojave Desert came by for a visit. Not only was it delicious, but the meal was fashioned from random shit I found in my foodless house:



Chop all vegetables except garlic and place into a large bowl.

Put stale bread in toaster. When toasted, cut into smallish (2cm x 2cm) squares. You now have croutons. Add to bowl of vegetables.

Shred cheese. Add to bowl of vegetables and croutons.

Cut or crumble crispy bacon into small pieces. You now have bacon bits. Add to bowl of vegetables and croutons and shredded cheese.

Open can of tuna. Squeeze out all the water/oil/brine. Take half the tuna out. Add to bowl of vegetables and croutons and shredded cheese and bacon bits.

Boil eggs (I like them medium). Peel and halve. Add to bowl of vegetables and croutons and shredded cheese and bacon bits and tuna.

Put the bowl of vegetables, croutons, shredded cheese, bacon bits, tuna, and eggs aside for the time being.

Get another (smaller) bowl.

Finely chop one little sliver of garlic. Add to bowl.

Take three table spoons of balsamic vinegar. Add to bowl with garlic.

Take one table spoon olive oil. Add to bowl with garlic an balsamic vinegar.

Take one table spoon soy sauce. Add to bowl with garlic and balsamic vinegar and olive oil.

Mix vigorously.


If too bitter, add more soy sauce. If too salty, add more oil. If too oily, add more balsamic vinegar. If too spicy, you used too much garlic, even though I specifically mentioned to use only one little sliver.

Pour contents of smaller bowl over contents in larger bowl.

Eat and enjoy, you can thank me later.


It’s that time of year again…

February 9, 2010

Okay everyone, we’re now a week (and a bit) into the wonderful month of February. I’m sure you all know by now that this means it is a time of joyous celebration and festivity. Not only because the end of winter is near, but also because I am approaching twenty-two fucking years of life on this godforsaken planet.

So for those interested, I have finally compiled my birthday wishlist:

  1. A pony. Preferably one with magical powers.
  2. A camera. At this point in my life, based on my poverty and lack of photo-taking technology, I’m going to be completely honest and say I’m not picky. However, something digital and simple (with high resolution nonetheless) would be in order. Underwater capabilities would be a definite plus.
  3. Two katrillion dollars.
  4. My own planet.
  5. A python and/or iguana, who shall be named Billy and Izzy, respectively.
  6. New Uggs, because my current ones are starting to look dilapidated, and people tell me I look homeless when I wear them. Any colour will suffice, although I’m not particularly a fan of the black ones.
  7. Dare I say, a Blackberry? I’m not too sure whether or not I’ll actually like it though. It just seems to be the norm nowadays, and sometimes I wish I had a Blackberry as a status symbol in today’s fucked up society.
  8. A gift voucher for Virgin, because there’s heaps of things I love in that store, ranging from T-shirts to Apple appliances.
  9. The newest (legal) version of Adobe Photoshop. I used to have a legit version on my old computer, but it was old. Like my computer. Now I have a new computer and no Photoshop. I had a trial version until recently, but then I had to restart my laptop, so my thirty day period expired and now I’m sad. This wish is in direct relation to Wish #2.
  10. The power to control time.
  11. The ability to make human suffrage legal.
  12. 2012.
  13. An African grey parrot who is already trained to speak proper English and follow simple commands. Of course, I would further train him to be my accomplice in world domination, but for the time being, a simple yet open-minded one will do. This wish surpasses Wish #5 by a large margin, but does not necessarily replace it.
  14. My very own crystal meth laboratory. I’ve been working on it for several months now, but it’s a lot more difficult than it seems. So having an up-and-running one would help me a lot, both financially and emotionally.
  15. A new wardrobe. Not physically, rather, content-wise. As in, don’t go to IKEA and buy me a new closet. Instead, get me a lot of new cute clothes, including jeans, shirts, shorts, jackets, and shoes. If you’re confused as to what clothes to buy me, see Wish #3.
  16. A little Asian dude who can be my personal slave/masseur for the rest of my life.
  17. Any form of free dental care. I have several things I wish to accomplish, including a routine checkup, cleaning, the removal of unwanted wisdom teeth, and whitening. Any/all of the above will suffice.
  18. Sushi dinner.
  19. A car. AC and brakes are a plus.
  20. More creativity/brain cells.
  21. Something to kill people with. Household weapons no longer do the trick. A bazooka or two would be nice.
  22. Higher metabolism.

Alright, well that pretty much sums things up! I posted my address somewhere once before, but I’ll have to find it again for those of you who don’t stalk me and haven’t memorised it already. Let me know if you’d like me to tell it to you again.

Other than that, have a good February, and enjoy the shittiest holiday of the year (Valentine’s Day). I’ll be working like the Jumeirah slave that I am.

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