Posts Tagged ‘birthday’

Getting older… again.

February 19, 2011

Alright guys. As you may or may not know by now, every year on the 25th of February I gain a year of wisdom, awesomeness, fame, and the inevitable – age. Yes, that’s right, my birthday is next week. And as per tradition, I shall now compile my list of desired presents. Please decide amongst yourselves who’s going to get me what, but I’d appreciate it if this time around, IĀ get everything on my list, not just a few select items.

  1. A Play Station 3. For realsies. You don’t even have to get me the games if you’re too lazy or poor. Just get me the console so I can sit around for hours on end, killing millions of brain cells. I have too many anyway. Wink!
  2. A husband for Agatha. She’s my tortoise. And she’s lonely. Please buy her a husband. I will call him Leopold.
  3. I need someone to go through my iTunes library, clean it up (i.e. remove duplicates, edit spelling and capitalisation, etc.), and update it. I’ll give you a list. I’m just too lazy to do it myself.
  4. A job. Hire me! I enjoy sleeping, eating, watching TV, and sleeping. So if you can pay me to do any of those activities, consider me. I’ll send you my CV.
  5. A Jeep Wrangler Sport. I’ll leave the colour choice up to you, but if it’s pink, I’ll run you over. No jokes.
  6. An iPhone 4. I still never got one as my Christmas present, so I’m giving you people a second chance.
  7. I’m looking for a female my height and build who is willing to go clothes shopping for me. I’ll give you the money, you go and try shit on, and come back with a lot of new clothes. (I’m lookin’ at you, Ten.)
  8. I’m over my crystal meth lab. I now want a cocaine factory. If you set it up for me and make it happen, you get a 30% discount for life.
  9. More animals. I really want a snake, a rabbit, some ducks, and a dog.
  10. My very own Nespresso machine, which I will train to not backfire and burn the skin off my bones. Yeah, it’s a long story. You either know it or you don’t. But I want a Nespresso machine.
  11. A water bed. Queen-sized or King-sized will do.
  12. How many times do I need to ask for an electric violin? Come on people, get with the program! Chop-chop.
  13. Two free tickets to go either sky-diving or skiing.
  14. A comfortable three-seater couch for Adam’s house. Because sitting on the one he has now makes me homicidal. A futon will also do.
  15. A sushi chef who will be at my service whenever I’m in the mood for raw seafood (which is surprisingly often).
  16. A photo printer. With several extra ink cartridges. And photo paper in various sizes. I like them medium-glossy.
  17. A highly-priced gift voucher for Ace Hardware. I’m in the building mood. I’m thinking of constructing a cabin in my garden, fully equipped with AC and electricity and everything. I’m not even kidding.
  18. A manicure and pedicure. Adam always says I have monkey-feet and Peter always says I have man-hands. Neither of them should be taken seriously because they’re just being mean, but a mani/pedi wouldn’t hurt…
  19. Baking utensils. I’ve decided to become a baker of bread. Nothing sweet. No cookies or cakes or muffins, just bread. And I need my kitchen to be equipped for such an undertaking. I’m talking rolling pin, cool apron and chef hat, all those weird-shaped thingies for the dough to go in to make the bread look cool, etc.
  20. Something that makes me invisible so when we have annoying guests, I don’t have to socialise with them.
  21. My own army.
  22. A big massage chair.
  23. Cash daula. Not sure which item on this list you wanna get me? Just give me a heaping pile of cash! The more you give me, the more I’ll “like” you as a “friend.”

UPDATE: Ma bought me not one, but two tortoises! They are cute and perfect. Leopold and Eleanor. Yes.

ANOTHER UPDATE: I also received a lot of new cute clothes and gift vouchers. Not for Ace though. But I’m going to Ace now anyway, so I thought I’d cross that one off. Also, Ten’s getting me baking supplies. Finally, regardless of how many people get me #23, I will never cross it off, but I’m giving a shout out to Said, who’s obvs a “really good friend” of mine.

A comical* nightmare

October 26, 2010

*By “comical” I literally mean that there will be comics. In no way am I implying that there was anything funny about this nightmare. In fact, it was freakish and disturbing.


I was just minding my own business, taking a casual moonlit stroll around the lake. Out of the corner of my eye, I see some light coming from the surrounding forest, like a campfire. “I love camps!” I exclaimed aloud, and decided to go towards it.

The fire grew closer, and soon I was on the site itself. But this was no ordinary campsite. There were no marshmallows. No tents. No illegal fireworks. Just this one old dude who looked like a tribal leader of some sort.

“Ah, we have been waiting for you, my child,” spoke the old man. “You are just in time!” I was wondering who this we was that he was referring to, because there was no one else there. I later found out the skull on his totem pole stick thing had like, a soul or something. It was weird.

“Uh okay, well, what exactly am I in time for?” I asked.

“The ceremoooony….” he replied ominously.

Now, I’ve seen enough horror movies in my past to know that “ceremony” usually means “freaky-ass rituals in which several people and animals die as a sacrifice.” So in no way did I want anything to do with said ceremony.

“Oh okay cool, well I think I’ll just, you know, pass. It’s getting late and I’m not really feeling the whole ceremony thing tonight. Thanks for the offer though, gramps! Bye!” And I started backing away.

“Oh no, you have misunderstood. It’s not an offer. It’s an order. You have twelve hours to chop off your hair and turn it into a wig for Mr. Snuffles. If you fail to do so, all of mankind will instantaneously cease to exist!” It seemed the skull’s name was Mr. Snuffles. And I had to chop off all my hair to save humanity?!

Well at least I had twelve hours to decide. I wandered around the forest. I did a full circle around the lake. Not a single barber. I guess I was going to have to do this myself. But with what? I had no scissors! Then I remembered this show I once saw on Discovery Channel, where the guy needed a knife, so he cracked a rock and it splintered into sharp knife-like tools. So I found a promising stone, threw it against another stone, and using my new caveman blade, proceeded to cut off my hair.

Looking like a total douchebag, I then started weaving my own hair into a fucking wig for a goddamn skull called Mr. Snuffles. I was furious. Why was I the chosen one?!

Just as I put on the last finishing touches (I decided the skull would look better with bangs, to hide the massive forehead), this random girl pops out of the bushes and starts making fun of me for having been so gullible. She explained that the tribal guy was actually just an old dude who escaped from a mental institute and had a fetish for hair. He discovered that by disguising himself as a creepy tribal chief, his ploy tended to work on the majority of his victims. But Blondie over here was ironically smart and told him “humanity shmanity, I like my hair and you can’t have it!” and twelve hours later, there was still no apocalypse, and she still had a full head of luscious shiny hair.

I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to cry. Not only did I look ugly, but I was being made fun of, and I got duped by an insane person! How much worse could my life get? Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea.

If grandpa couldn’t trick this girl, maybe I could! I would tell her that it wasn’t humanity that would be destroyed, rather, all the cute bunnies in the world would die violent deaths if she didn’t give me her hair to take to the Chief! Then, I could make another wig, wear it on my head, the creepy guy still gets his hair, nobody dies, and karma would grace its presence by allowing me to make fun of her! It was brilliant! BRILLIANT, I SAY!!

She didn’t buy it.

So, in an act of sheer desperation, I did the only thing I knew how. I slit her throat with my rock-knife, skinned her head, created my new wig, as planned, and headed off towards the campfire. Little did I know that now I was the deranged lunatic, because while I thought I looked like this…

I actually looked like this…

So I scampered off into the woods, with a twitch in my eye and maniacal laughter in the back of my throat. When I arrived at the campsite, however, the old guy wasn’t there. Grunting like a werewolf who just morphed into the beastly state, I looked around, confused, angry, and still exhilarated from my kill just a short while prior.

“SURPRIIIIIISE!”

All of my friends and family jumped out from behind the trees. A Happy Birthday banner swung down. A small child was carrying a big cake, lit with candles for me. I was confused. And then it all made sense. I thought I recognised the tribal chief!

Turns out, he was my marketing professor, and this whole thing was carefully planned as a surprise party. He dressed up as a chief to send me away for twelve hours, so everyone would have time to arrange the event. The blonde girl was sent as reassurance that I needn’t actually cut my hair. And the plan was, that she and I would become friends and gallivant through the forest for a couple hours, until finally she led me back to where the party was. Oops.

Anyway, the cake was delicious, I was slightly less delusional, and everything turned out okay.

…later…

“Hey guys, has anyone seen Sally?”

It’s that time of year again…

February 9, 2010

Okay everyone, we’re now a week (and a bit) into the wonderful month of February. I’m sure you all know by now that this means it is a time of joyous celebration and festivity. Not only because the end of winter is near, but also because I am approaching twenty-two fucking years of life on this godforsaken planet.

So for those interested, I have finally compiled my birthday wishlist:

  1. A pony. Preferably one with magical powers.
  2. A camera. At this point in my life, based on my poverty and lack of photo-taking technology, I’m going to be completely honest and say I’m not picky. However, something digital and simple (with high resolution nonetheless) would be in order. Underwater capabilities would be a definite plus.
  3. Two katrillion dollars.
  4. My own planet.
  5. A python and/or iguana, who shall be named Billy and Izzy, respectively.
  6. New Uggs, because my current ones are starting to look dilapidated, and people tell me I look homeless when I wear them. Any colour will suffice, although I’m not particularly a fan of the black ones.
  7. Dare I say, a Blackberry? I’m not too sure whether or not I’ll actually like it though. It just seems to be the norm nowadays, and sometimes I wish I had a Blackberry as a status symbol in today’s fucked up society.
  8. A gift voucher for Virgin, because there’s heaps of things I love in that store, ranging from T-shirts to Apple appliances.
  9. The newest (legal) version of Adobe Photoshop. I used to have a legit version on my old computer, but it was old. Like my computer. Now I have a new computer and no Photoshop. I had a trial version until recently, but then I had to restart my laptop, so my thirty day period expired and now I’m sad. This wish is in direct relation to Wish #2.
  10. The power to control time.
  11. The ability to make human suffrage legal.
  12. 2012.
  13. An African grey parrot who is already trained to speak proper English and follow simple commands. Of course, I would further train him to be my accomplice in world domination, but for the time being, a simple yet open-minded one will do. This wish surpasses Wish #5 by a large margin, but does not necessarily replace it.
  14. My very own crystal meth laboratory. I’ve been working on it for several months now, but it’s a lot more difficult than it seems. So having an up-and-running one would help me a lot, both financially and emotionally.
  15. A new wardrobe. Not physically, rather, content-wise. As in, don’t go to IKEA and buy me a new closet. Instead, get me a lot of new cute clothes, including jeans, shirts, shorts, jackets, and shoes. If you’re confused as to what clothes to buy me, see Wish #3.
  16. A little Asian dude who can be my personal slave/masseur for the rest of my life.
  17. Any form of free dental care. I have several things I wish to accomplish, including a routine checkup, cleaning, the removal of unwanted wisdom teeth, and whitening. Any/all of the above will suffice.
  18. Sushi dinner.
  19. A car. AC and brakes are a plus.
  20. More creativity/brain cells.
  21. Something to kill people with. Household weapons no longer do the trick. A bazooka or two would be nice.
  22. Higher metabolism.

Alright, well that pretty much sums things up! I posted my address somewhere once before, but I’ll have to find it again for those of you who don’t stalk me and haven’t memorised it already. Let me know if you’d like me to tell it to you again.

Other than that, have a good February, and enjoy the shittiest holiday of the year (Valentine’s Day). I’ll be working like the Jumeirah slave that I am.

News

January 26, 2010

Well okay, not really news per say, but new-ish stuff nonetheless.

As you may or may not have noticed, I’ve decided to revamp the header, changing the previously cutesy picture into a creepy one that’ll probably give you nightmares. Let me know if I succeed.

February is just around the corner! So be expecting my birthday wish list soon.

I just got a phone call from Tatjana at work, saying that a “mysterious parcel” is waiting for me in her office. This means two things. Firstly, the postal service seems to work just fine, so none of you should have a problem getting me the gifts I ask for on the aforementioned wish list. And secondly, I’m going to have a lakritz fest tomorrow, which excites me.

I’m sick again. Not like, SARS sick, but I think some sort of influenza-bronchitis medley. I feel like committing seppuku.

The new semester has officially begun. Again I can only take two subjects due to my hellish work requirements, and those subjects are ECON111 (I’m finally doing micro!) and MARK217, which I reckon is going to be a fairly boring consumer behaviour course. Managing the two should be fairly feasible, because one is kinda mathy and the other’s kinda theory. So I think my brain can cope.

I haven’t been having super exciting dreams recently. On the contrary, they’ve been rather dull and life-like. In yesterday’s dream I got lost in a building for like, an hour. And it wasn’t even a trippy building, it was just a standard boring apartment building. The only thing dreamy about it was that the stairwell went on forever and never actually took me one floor down (hence the reason why I got lost). Eventually I broke through the window and ended up outside Block 3 in the Gardens. So it was alright.

I’m slightly hungry, so I’m going to head over to the kitchen now and see what happens.

Twenty-one birthday wishes

February 23, 2009

So for those of you who know me, my birthday’s on Wednesday. For those of you who don’t know me, my birthday’s on Wednesday. So regardless, none of you have an excuse to not send me presents. To make the process a bit easier, I have taken the liberty to compile a list of desired gifts. I trust you will find a way to make all my dreams come true… Here’s what I want:

  1. A talking lion, like the one from Narnia. But a real one, not a CGI one.
  2. A money tree. Preferably a very leafy one, with large bills. But, you know, anything’ll do. Whatever you can get your hands on.
  3. Skinny jeans.
  4. The new MacBook Pro. Any size’ll do.
  5. My own amusement park (complete with water slide! *schwing!*)
  6. The full DVD set of all the South Park episodes ever made.
  7. New friends. Not that my current friends suck or anything… *wink!*
  8. A lifetime supply of hummus and/or black licorice.
  9. A Bugatti Veyron car.
  10. Any kind of superpower. But a cool superpower like flying or shooting lasers from my eyes or being invisible or something, not a lame one like… I dunno, being stretchy or turning into a big angry green monster.
  11. A time machine that works in both directions. If this is too difficult to acquire, I’d prefer one that transports to the past rather than the future.
  12. Genetically-engineered bunnies that double as slaves.
  13. A program that enables me to hack into the university’s system and give me 100% in all my classes.
  14. Blue suede shoes.
  15. A brain transplant? Perhaps?
  16. Free tickets to Aquaventure and any upcoming concerts I might be interested in for the next five years.
  17. My very own underground ice-skating rink that’s at least ten acres in area.
  18. A fancy-schmancy camera with a lot of awesome features.
  19. A jar full of rainbows.
  20. A zoo of mythical creatures.
  21. Ray Bans.

Well what are you waiting for? You have two days! Aaaand… go.


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