Posts Tagged ‘wishes’

Getting older… again.

February 19, 2011

Alright guys. As you may or may not know by now, every year on the 25th of February I gain a year of wisdom, awesomeness, fame, and the inevitable – age. Yes, that’s right, my birthday is next week. And as per tradition, I shall now compile my list of desired presents. Please decide amongst yourselves who’s going to get me what, but I’d appreciate it if this time around, I get everything on my list, not just a few select items.

  1. A Play Station 3. For realsies. You don’t even have to get me the games if you’re too lazy or poor. Just get me the console so I can sit around for hours on end, killing millions of brain cells. I have too many anyway. Wink!
  2. A husband for Agatha. She’s my tortoise. And she’s lonely. Please buy her a husband. I will call him Leopold.
  3. I need someone to go through my iTunes library, clean it up (i.e. remove duplicates, edit spelling and capitalisation, etc.), and update it. I’ll give you a list. I’m just too lazy to do it myself.
  4. A job. Hire me! I enjoy sleeping, eating, watching TV, and sleeping. So if you can pay me to do any of those activities, consider me. I’ll send you my CV.
  5. A Jeep Wrangler Sport. I’ll leave the colour choice up to you, but if it’s pink, I’ll run you over. No jokes.
  6. An iPhone 4. I still never got one as my Christmas present, so I’m giving you people a second chance.
  7. I’m looking for a female my height and build who is willing to go clothes shopping for me. I’ll give you the money, you go and try shit on, and come back with a lot of new clothes. (I’m lookin’ at you, Ten.)
  8. I’m over my crystal meth lab. I now want a cocaine factory. If you set it up for me and make it happen, you get a 30% discount for life.
  9. More animals. I really want a snake, a rabbit, some ducks, and a dog.
  10. My very own Nespresso machine, which I will train to not backfire and burn the skin off my bones. Yeah, it’s a long story. You either know it or you don’t. But I want a Nespresso machine.
  11. A water bed. Queen-sized or King-sized will do.
  12. How many times do I need to ask for an electric violin? Come on people, get with the program! Chop-chop.
  13. Two free tickets to go either sky-diving or skiing.
  14. A comfortable three-seater couch for Adam’s house. Because sitting on the one he has now makes me homicidal. A futon will also do.
  15. A sushi chef who will be at my service whenever I’m in the mood for raw seafood (which is surprisingly often).
  16. A photo printer. With several extra ink cartridges. And photo paper in various sizes. I like them medium-glossy.
  17. A highly-priced gift voucher for Ace Hardware. I’m in the building mood. I’m thinking of constructing a cabin in my garden, fully equipped with AC and electricity and everything. I’m not even kidding.
  18. A manicure and pedicure. Adam always says I have monkey-feet and Peter always says I have man-hands. Neither of them should be taken seriously because they’re just being mean, but a mani/pedi wouldn’t hurt…
  19. Baking utensils. I’ve decided to become a baker of bread. Nothing sweet. No cookies or cakes or muffins, just bread. And I need my kitchen to be equipped for such an undertaking. I’m talking rolling pin, cool apron and chef hat, all those weird-shaped thingies for the dough to go in to make the bread look cool, etc.
  20. Something that makes me invisible so when we have annoying guests, I don’t have to socialise with them.
  21. My own army.
  22. A big massage chair.
  23. Cash daula. Not sure which item on this list you wanna get me? Just give me a heaping pile of cash! The more you give me, the more I’ll “like” you as a “friend.”

UPDATE: Ma bought me not one, but two tortoises! They are cute and perfect. Leopold and Eleanor. Yes.

ANOTHER UPDATE: I also received a lot of new cute clothes and gift vouchers. Not for Ace though. But I’m going to Ace now anyway, so I thought I’d cross that one off. Also, Ten’s getting me baking supplies. Finally, regardless of how many people get me #23, I will never cross it off, but I’m giving a shout out to Said, who’s obvs a “really good friend” of mine.

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12 Things I want for Christmas

December 19, 2010

I don’t really understand this holiday. I mean, I know Jesus is somehow involved, and it has something to do with six geese a-laying and a partridge in a pear tree, but other than that, I don’t really get it.

However, due to the fact that it is apparently an accepted tradition to give presents on this day, I have compiled a list for you! Please be sure to give me everything I ask for. Otherwise heavy consequences will be suffered.

  1. Seven swans a-swimming.
  2. A new phone. Preferably the iPhone 4, but I’ll settle for pretty much anything that works.
  3. My very own secret laboratory, with complementary mazes full of confused little white mice.
  4. X-Ray vision. If this is impossible, X-Ray goggles will suffice.
  5. A gift voucher for MAC because my makeup is getting all old and dodgy, and I no longer have an eyebrow pencil.
  6. More hours in a day. I think between 30 – 40 is a reasonable amount.
  7. An electric violin.
  8. Everything from Ace Hardware, because I feel like building some more shit.
  9. Five bajillion dollars. You can send it directly to my PayPal account.
  10. The power to hypnotise people instantaneously with just one glance.
  11. A fast and powerful motorcycle, so I can give it to Adam as his Christmas present. Then again, if I get wish #9, this item can be crossed off and ignored.
  12. Anything from my 21st and 22nd birthday wish lists that I still haven’t received. Damn you, postal service!

Yep, so that’s pretty much it. Go ahead and email me, and I’ll send you an appropriate address, depending on which gift it is you’re getting me. I mean, the violin can just go to Ma’s P.O. Box, but like, the laboratory needs to be built on-site. So I’ll help you out with those details via email.

You have six days.

It’s that time of year again…

February 9, 2010

Okay everyone, we’re now a week (and a bit) into the wonderful month of February. I’m sure you all know by now that this means it is a time of joyous celebration and festivity. Not only because the end of winter is near, but also because I am approaching twenty-two fucking years of life on this godforsaken planet.

So for those interested, I have finally compiled my birthday wishlist:

  1. A pony. Preferably one with magical powers.
  2. A camera. At this point in my life, based on my poverty and lack of photo-taking technology, I’m going to be completely honest and say I’m not picky. However, something digital and simple (with high resolution nonetheless) would be in order. Underwater capabilities would be a definite plus.
  3. Two katrillion dollars.
  4. My own planet.
  5. A python and/or iguana, who shall be named Billy and Izzy, respectively.
  6. New Uggs, because my current ones are starting to look dilapidated, and people tell me I look homeless when I wear them. Any colour will suffice, although I’m not particularly a fan of the black ones.
  7. Dare I say, a Blackberry? I’m not too sure whether or not I’ll actually like it though. It just seems to be the norm nowadays, and sometimes I wish I had a Blackberry as a status symbol in today’s fucked up society.
  8. A gift voucher for Virgin, because there’s heaps of things I love in that store, ranging from T-shirts to Apple appliances.
  9. The newest (legal) version of Adobe Photoshop. I used to have a legit version on my old computer, but it was old. Like my computer. Now I have a new computer and no Photoshop. I had a trial version until recently, but then I had to restart my laptop, so my thirty day period expired and now I’m sad. This wish is in direct relation to Wish #2.
  10. The power to control time.
  11. The ability to make human suffrage legal.
  12. 2012.
  13. An African grey parrot who is already trained to speak proper English and follow simple commands. Of course, I would further train him to be my accomplice in world domination, but for the time being, a simple yet open-minded one will do. This wish surpasses Wish #5 by a large margin, but does not necessarily replace it.
  14. My very own crystal meth laboratory. I’ve been working on it for several months now, but it’s a lot more difficult than it seems. So having an up-and-running one would help me a lot, both financially and emotionally.
  15. A new wardrobe. Not physically, rather, content-wise. As in, don’t go to IKEA and buy me a new closet. Instead, get me a lot of new cute clothes, including jeans, shirts, shorts, jackets, and shoes. If you’re confused as to what clothes to buy me, see Wish #3.
  16. A little Asian dude who can be my personal slave/masseur for the rest of my life.
  17. Any form of free dental care. I have several things I wish to accomplish, including a routine checkup, cleaning, the removal of unwanted wisdom teeth, and whitening. Any/all of the above will suffice.
  18. Sushi dinner.
  19. A car. AC and brakes are a plus.
  20. More creativity/brain cells.
  21. Something to kill people with. Household weapons no longer do the trick. A bazooka or two would be nice.
  22. Higher metabolism.

Alright, well that pretty much sums things up! I posted my address somewhere once before, but I’ll have to find it again for those of you who don’t stalk me and haven’t memorised it already. Let me know if you’d like me to tell it to you again.

Other than that, have a good February, and enjoy the shittiest holiday of the year (Valentine’s Day). I’ll be working like the Jumeirah slave that I am.

Twenty-one birthday wishes

February 23, 2009

So for those of you who know me, my birthday’s on Wednesday. For those of you who don’t know me, my birthday’s on Wednesday. So regardless, none of you have an excuse to not send me presents. To make the process a bit easier, I have taken the liberty to compile a list of desired gifts. I trust you will find a way to make all my dreams come true… Here’s what I want:

  1. A talking lion, like the one from Narnia. But a real one, not a CGI one.
  2. A money tree. Preferably a very leafy one, with large bills. But, you know, anything’ll do. Whatever you can get your hands on.
  3. Skinny jeans.
  4. The new MacBook Pro. Any size’ll do.
  5. My own amusement park (complete with water slide! *schwing!*)
  6. The full DVD set of all the South Park episodes ever made.
  7. New friends. Not that my current friends suck or anything… *wink!*
  8. A lifetime supply of hummus and/or black licorice.
  9. A Bugatti Veyron car.
  10. Any kind of superpower. But a cool superpower like flying or shooting lasers from my eyes or being invisible or something, not a lame one like… I dunno, being stretchy or turning into a big angry green monster.
  11. A time machine that works in both directions. If this is too difficult to acquire, I’d prefer one that transports to the past rather than the future.
  12. Genetically-engineered bunnies that double as slaves.
  13. A program that enables me to hack into the university’s system and give me 100% in all my classes.
  14. Blue suede shoes.
  15. A brain transplant? Perhaps?
  16. Free tickets to Aquaventure and any upcoming concerts I might be interested in for the next five years.
  17. My very own underground ice-skating rink that’s at least ten acres in area.
  18. A fancy-schmancy camera with a lot of awesome features.
  19. A jar full of rainbows.
  20. A zoo of mythical creatures.
  21. Ray Bans.

Well what are you waiting for? You have two days! Aaaand… go.


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