Posts Tagged ‘leona’

Quick cat stats

January 15, 2011

For those of you who are wondering about my cats, I made a quick guide for you, which you can click to enlarge. Their full names are written, but we call them Feb, Tommy, Bart, Leo, and Skillz, respectively. All of them are good cats except Feb. She truly is a demon, sent upon this Earth to destroy the human race. Don’t ever make eye contact with her.

A day in the life of a kitten

August 10, 2010

0600 – 0800

Wake up. Try to wake up the Owner. Bite her fingers. Chew her hair. Lick her eyelids. Purr heavily in her ear. Just get the Owner to wake up and feed you.

0800 – 0830

Owner is awake. Follow her downstairs. Be sure to zig-zag in and out of her giant feet, because it’s funny when she trips and falls down the stairs. Enter kitchen and meow like a fool. Run around while she opens can of tuna. Crawl into crevices and destroy things. Jump on Bart’s tail. Jump on Tommy’s tail. Get kicked out of the kitchen by the others. Cower in the doorway and wait for Owner to come get you and gently place you in front of food bowl. Meanwhile, run around. Gnaw on cables. Run into free-standing objects, knocking them over. Push random objects across the floor with footwork so complex, it makes Cristiano Ronaldo look like an amateur. Pull on things that dangle, especially if they look like expensive cashmere scarves. The Owner is calling. Food time. Run into the kitchen, and skid against the cupboard door. Allow Owner to carry you to the food. Eat like you’ve never seen food before. Drink in a weird way that accidentally includes the use of your nose and inhale some milk. Sneeze it out, it’s okay.

0830 – 0900

Time to poop. But you don’t know that yet. Dodge Owner’s big hand as she tries to pick you up. Run into the living room. Find something to play football with. Dodge Owner’s reach a second time and run under the table, weaving in and out of the chair legs. Do a victory pose when Owner sits down at her laptop, ignoring you. Run around more. Find Bart. Hiss at him. Try to catch his tail. Run around more. Find hazardous objects to play football with. Lighters, thumbtacks, the sharp lid of a can of tuna. The more dangerous, the more attention you get. Allow Owner to carry you to the sofa. Upon being placed in the folds of a comfortable blanket, immediately spring up and run to the flower pots. Dig. Get your white fur completely soiled (pun intended). Eat some of it. Dig dig dig and then squat. Gaze up at Owner, confused as to why she’s yelling at you. Allow her to take you to a cleaner flower pot. No flowers. No soil. But you can still dig. Tiny pebbles. Smell one corner. Dig dig dig. Jump to another area. Dig dig dig. Sniff. Dig dig. Still not the right spot. Sniff sniff. Dig dig dig dig. Dig. Squat. Relieve yourself. Allow Owner to praise you for your good work.

0900 – 1000

General havoc-wreaking. Do anything to annoy the other cats: pounce, hiss, swat. Chew on anything that hangs: cables, plants, clothing. Sharpen claws on anything with texture: sofa, Owner’s body, carpet. Attempt to eat anything that fits in your mouth: big lint balls, dead fly, earring. Chase your own tail, run up and down the stairs, push things off the shelf to make a mess on the floor below. Energy is running low. Meow loudly and continuously (for attention), run wildly in one direction and skid into a stationary object; repeat in the other direction. Energy in reserve tank. Jump on tables, climb up neatly folded stacks of freshly ironed clothes and knock them all down. Feeling sleepy. Find Owner.

1000-1200

Nap time. Jump up on sofa next to Owner. Meow quietly with eyes half-closed. Start purring louder than an Airbus A380. Nuzzle under Owner’s hand. Not comfortable enough. Roll onto your back, with Owner’s hand on your belly. Still not right. Move to Owner’s chest. Inch closer to her neck. Curl up and sleep in the warm space between her chin and chest, as she continues doing her stuff at the computer.

1200 – 1300

Yawn. Time to piss off the Owner. Start kicking her face. Let her push you off, then start tackling arms. Chew on them, scratch them, kick them repeatedly with your hind legs. When she tries to calm you down with her big hand, bite it and hold on with your front paws. Continue dangling as she flicks you off, to the far end of the couch. Run back to her and make eye contact with her. Once you’ve locked her in a stare, surprise her by suddenly springing to her face and attacking her eyeballs. If they’re closed, leave them be. Once they’re open, attempt to either bite them or slap them with your tiny paws. The Owner will eventually become pissed off and give you attention. Purr loudly. Nuzzle your face into the Owner’s crevices, and make a suckling noise. It’s time to eat again and drink some milk.

1300 – 2200

Nine hours of continuous play, with three or four feeding breaks. Continue annoying Owner and other cats with general tomfoolery and boisterous activities. Your favourite pastime: making Owner’s laptop time impossible. Repeatedly jump on magnetic power cord, disconnecting it every five seconds. Owner will get annoyed and place you on the sofa, on the opposite side of the cord. Attack her fingers while she types. Owner will get annoyed and place you on her chest, willing you to sleep. Stare at laptop screen. Attempt to tackle anything that moves, from cursor to mouse to pop-up ad. Owner will get annoyed and throw you to the other end of the couch. Run towards her at full speed, jump on the keyboard, rotate 360˚, and lie down. On the keyboard. While she was typing something probably important. Owner will get very annoyed and throw you on the floor. Repeat cycle, starting with the magnetic power cord.

2200 – 0000

Amplify your hyperactivity. Make your hair stand up, your eyes bulge, and run in a crazy, diagonal way. Meow a lot, but not normally, rather, a deep guttural meow. Run full speed in senseless directions. Find shadows and attack them. Stand guard at the entrance to the kitchen, and attack the feet of any human who tries to enter. Hiss in the face of any cat who tries to enter. Explore inside the washing machine. Take a tour through the cabinet under the sink. Chase an imaginary object into the TV room downstairs. Dodge any attempts Owner makes to pick you up, or subdue you.

0000 – 0600

Owner’s getting ready for bed. Watch her brush her teeth. Follow her into the room. Jump on her bed and curl up next to her pillow, waiting for her. As soon as she turns off the light and lies down, jump out of bed and play with random objects in her room. When it seems she has given up on supervising you, and rolls over, attack the Owner in her own bed. Allow her to stroke you in attempt to calm you down. Initiate purring sequence. Close eyes. Fall asleep.

0600 – 0800…

Wake up. Try to wake up the Owner. Bite her fingers. Chew her hair. Lick her eyelids…

Newest addition

August 8, 2010

Ma came home yesterday with a rescued kitten. She’s an eight-week-old Turkish Angora named Leona (Leo, for short). Her hobbies include cooking up crack in the basement, running around the house naked, and picking fights with the elders. She also enjoys long walks on your face and eating your fingers. Sometimes, she sleeps for a little while. A “cat nap,” if you will. Those times are beautiful, yet rare. Updates soon!


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