Posts Tagged ‘money’

I’m really disappointed in you.

May 10, 2011

So, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m still not famous. No one has offered me a book deal, no one has sent copious amounts of cash into my PayPal account (send as “gift” to: olj5f@virginia.edu), and no one has implored me to market any of their shit for them. Why is this so?

From my end, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. I’m posting high-quality nonsense regularlyish, I include magnificent works of art into most posts, I help you with your vokabyularee, and I make your otherwise shitty and mundane lives full of happiness and laughter.

So really, I think this all comes down to you. You need to start taking proactive measures so that I can make money by sitting around online. I’m almost done with uni and I don’t want a real job! I don’t want to wear clothes suits! I don’t want a nine-to-five working environment! I want to make money doing stuff I like, namely, sitting around in my underwear and blogging. Maybe sell some books. Maybe do some creative advertising. Maybe open a shop on Etsy and sell cute things like used heroin needles and exotic birds. You know, fun stuff.

Now, I’ve already written a post, detailing steps you can take to help make me famous. I suggest you reread it and go out there and do it. Because once I’m famous (i.e. rich enough to buy a pack of gum whenever I want, without having to calculate my losses), I can do fun things for you, too! I’ll have contests and giveaways and prizes and all sorts of cool things. And really, who doesn’t like winning free stuff?

Exactly.

So get on it.

NOTE: For those of you concerned that my hard-earned money won’t be going to good use, that part about sending my mom to an old folks’ home was a joke. (Wwwwink!)

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It’s that time of year again…

February 9, 2010

Okay everyone, we’re now a week (and a bit) into the wonderful month of February. I’m sure you all know by now that this means it is a time of joyous celebration and festivity. Not only because the end of winter is near, but also because I am approaching twenty-two fucking years of life on this godforsaken planet.

So for those interested, I have finally compiled my birthday wishlist:

  1. A pony. Preferably one with magical powers.
  2. A camera. At this point in my life, based on my poverty and lack of photo-taking technology, I’m going to be completely honest and say I’m not picky. However, something digital and simple (with high resolution nonetheless) would be in order. Underwater capabilities would be a definite plus.
  3. Two katrillion dollars.
  4. My own planet.
  5. A python and/or iguana, who shall be named Billy and Izzy, respectively.
  6. New Uggs, because my current ones are starting to look dilapidated, and people tell me I look homeless when I wear them. Any colour will suffice, although I’m not particularly a fan of the black ones.
  7. Dare I say, a Blackberry? I’m not too sure whether or not I’ll actually like it though. It just seems to be the norm nowadays, and sometimes I wish I had a Blackberry as a status symbol in today’s fucked up society.
  8. A gift voucher for Virgin, because there’s heaps of things I love in that store, ranging from T-shirts to Apple appliances.
  9. The newest (legal) version of Adobe Photoshop. I used to have a legit version on my old computer, but it was old. Like my computer. Now I have a new computer and no Photoshop. I had a trial version until recently, but then I had to restart my laptop, so my thirty day period expired and now I’m sad. This wish is in direct relation to Wish #2.
  10. The power to control time.
  11. The ability to make human suffrage legal.
  12. 2012.
  13. An African grey parrot who is already trained to speak proper English and follow simple commands. Of course, I would further train him to be my accomplice in world domination, but for the time being, a simple yet open-minded one will do. This wish surpasses Wish #5 by a large margin, but does not necessarily replace it.
  14. My very own crystal meth laboratory. I’ve been working on it for several months now, but it’s a lot more difficult than it seems. So having an up-and-running one would help me a lot, both financially and emotionally.
  15. A new wardrobe. Not physically, rather, content-wise. As in, don’t go to IKEA and buy me a new closet. Instead, get me a lot of new cute clothes, including jeans, shirts, shorts, jackets, and shoes. If you’re confused as to what clothes to buy me, see Wish #3.
  16. A little Asian dude who can be my personal slave/masseur for the rest of my life.
  17. Any form of free dental care. I have several things I wish to accomplish, including a routine checkup, cleaning, the removal of unwanted wisdom teeth, and whitening. Any/all of the above will suffice.
  18. Sushi dinner.
  19. A car. AC and brakes are a plus.
  20. More creativity/brain cells.
  21. Something to kill people with. Household weapons no longer do the trick. A bazooka or two would be nice.
  22. Higher metabolism.

Alright, well that pretty much sums things up! I posted my address somewhere once before, but I’ll have to find it again for those of you who don’t stalk me and haven’t memorised it already. Let me know if you’d like me to tell it to you again.

Other than that, have a good February, and enjoy the shittiest holiday of the year (Valentine’s Day). I’ll be working like the Jumeirah slave that I am.


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