Island music

Plinky asked me a stupid-ass question today.

“If stranded on a desert island, and could only bring one music album with you, which would it be? What is it about this music that never gets old for you?”

Okay first of all, who voluntarily gets stranded? This question indicates that someone would come up to me and say, “Hey what’s up, uh, yeah we’re gunna drop you off on an uncharted island in the middle of the ocean and you’re gunna be there alone and probably without food or shelter, but we’ll let you bring a CD with you. So what’ll it be?” I say fuck that. No way am I going to let you strand me. And as a parting gift to show your condolences, I will be granted permission to take along a CD? Uh-uh. No.

Secondly, who still listens to CDs? It’s called an iPod. On which one can store hundreds of free and illegally downloaded music albums. So will the island stranders allow me to take my iPod? Or is that against the rules of banishing?

Here’s another problem. If I bring a CD, fine. What would I play it on? Will my island come with a CD player? Or must I build one myself from sand and palm leaves? I mean, clearly they didn’t think this one through. And the island would also need to be equipped with electricity or a lifetime supply of batteries, because how would I charge my music player? Also, would I get headphones or speakers? These are all important factors to consider, because a CD on its own is just a stupid shiny disk of uselessness.

Oh and one more thing: EVERYTHING GETS OLD IF YOU LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR GODDAMN LIFE ON A DESERT ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! I can’t even listen to that Bruno Mars song anymore without throwing up, because the radio overplayed it. And I thought it was a good song.

So here’s what I’ve decided. I’d tell the stranders to go fuck themselves and their music album. I’d take nothing, because otherwise I’d feel like I was cheating. Once on the island, my first priority would of course be to form spears and other tools with which I could hunt food.

After that’s sorted, I’d need to build a shelter (which over the years would be come pimped out and awesome, by the way) so I’d have a comfortable crib to come home to after a long day of tanning and fishing. Food and shelter are my first two priorities. After that, I’d go apeshit.

I’d go into the jungle part of the island and collect all kinds of vine ropes and build myself a kickass swing.

I’d fashion a surfboard out of… I dunno, something, and if the waves permit, I’d teach myself.

I’d gather stones and logs and such and instead of building a HELP ME sign, visible to satellites and airplanes, it’d read PARTY HERE! Because come on, think about it. If you were a pilot, would you rather land to help a complete stranger, or land to go party with said stranger? Yes, the latter. Hence the party sign. But there’s no party. I would eat the pilot, read the airplane manual for a few days, and then teach myself to fly it. But not as a means of escape, just as a means of transport to the real world so I can come and go as I please.

I would definitely make myself a coconut bikini top, because I’ve always wanted one.

And last but not least, I would build an instrument similar to a banjo or a guitar or whatever and teach myself to play my own shit. Maybe I’d also hollow out a small stick and create a flute-type instrument, teach myself how to play, and then find a monkey and train him to be my accompaniment.

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5 Responses to “Island music”

  1. Biological D. Says:

    yeah!
    way to go.
    it would be better to have an old cassette recorder so you can record yourself with monkey. and than send it in a bottle, sell it and make a million. oops, there we have the problem with the power supply again. o, well, never mind.
    ror!

  2. adamdubai Says:

    At least you didn’t say R&B (Chris Brown, T-Pain), You are learning :)

  3. inurbase Says:

    I’m so confused. Why are you teaching a monkey to play Charlie Daniels on a flute-like instrument?

    • onamatopoeia Says:

      Because I tried creating a fiddle, but the strings never sounded right because they were made of stripped vines, and the bow for the string was made from the tail of a lemur rather than horse hair, and it was just an epic fail. :( But imagine the fiddle part as a flute! It actually sounds pretty good! Think Jethro Tull meets Charlie Daniels.

      Yeeees.

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