SEA UNICORNS!

Holy shit guys. I just stumbled upon the most incredible piece of information ever to be discovered. It has changed my life on so many levels.

There is a creature… known as…

a Narwhal.

*pause for dramatic effect*

DID YOU KNOW THAT?! HOLY GUACAMOLE! I sure as shit didn’t! So in case you’re stupid and uneducated like me, I will now share with you this life-altering fact.

The Monodon monoceros, or “narwhal,” basically looks like a beluga whale except for one major difference: It has a horn! And not like, a puny rhino horn, nay. A huge, majestic ivory unicorn-horn.

This creature is probably mythological and was hallucinated by some drunk pirates on the Arctic seas, which might explain why I’ve never heard of it before. The drunk pirates then promptly decided to Photoshop tusks onto a herd (pack?) of belugas, create a Wikipedia page, and continue sailing the icy north seas in search of treasure.

Nevertheless, I would like to believe that they do exist. Let’s learn more.

Narwhals can be found in the cold Arctic waters. So basically, if you live in Greenland, I’m jealous of you. Please adopt me and take me out on your boat so that I might catch a real-life glimpse of this amazing sea beast. I will pay you a thousand clams. Or whatever it is you people use as currency.

They eat fish and shrimp and squid and rocks. They’re large and heavy and presumably tasty. They poop glitter and leave a trail of underwater rainbows behind them when they swim. They can dive really deep, and hate dolphins just as much as I do. Basically, they’re the most awesome creatures on Earth.

I will make one my pet.

And it will love me.

Now that we know the facts, it’s time to get to my revolutionary discovery, which will blow. your. mind. Ready? Here’s my philosophy: Back in the days of evolution and stuff, there were just plain old beluga whales. But because both the males and females looked pretty much the same, they had to adopt some sort of secondary sexual attribute (for example, the male lion developed a mane). What did the male narwhals acquire? Tusks. Now check this: horses, right? Both males and females look a little too similar to really tell them apart. So, my point is, even if unicorns don’t exist now, THEY WILL EXIST IN THE NEAR FUTURE!

All is right in the world.

Tags: arctic, beluga, glitter/rainbow poop, horn, narwhal, photoshop, pirates, tusk, unicorn, whale, wikipedia