Halloween

Halloween is probably the most pointless “holiday” on the calendar. It celebrates nothing. No, really. Wikipedia it.

That having been said, it is still celebrated by a gajillion people worldwide. So, in honour of all the Halloweeners (Hollow-wieners? Hahaha I crack myself up), I’ve decided to write a pointless post to celebrate this pointless event. If you’re borderline blind (e.g. Ma) and have trouble reading the captions, a simple click on each image will enlarge it to full-screen.

We begin our tale at the youngest age possible. This stage refers to kids who just learned how to walk, and know enough vocabulary to say “trick-or-treat,” “candy please,” “yummy,” and “please don’t rape or poison me.” Parents dress their kids up in cute little costumes, amp them up with the promise of candy, and gallivant around neighbourhoods, collecting sugary treats.

As these adorable little munchkins grow up, they begin to phase out of the trick-or-treating stage. All of a sudden it’s “lame” to dress up. They’re “too cool” to go around with their little siblings and partake in this sacred family tradition. However, candy is still a motivator, so they roll their eyes and grudgingly force themselves to go door-to-door for a week’s worth of sugar-high.

The next stage is the coolest stage. This is when teenagers realise that Halloween isn’t about silly old candy, it’s about having a reason to throw a costume party! They typically dress up in elaborate costumes and go to someone’s house party. The host’s mom serves chilled non-alcoholic punch and orders large pizzas. Everyone then sits around in their awesome costumes, watching old-school horror films.

Once these teens reach college, their inner demons surface. For the girls, the demon takes the form of a slut-monster. And for the guys, the demon is a giant keg of beer. When these two genders attend a college Halloween party, there’s basically just a lot of drunken sex scenes, and depending on the costumes, it can get really weird. Fact: 90% of girls will be a slutty cat/nurse/devil/angel/witch/you name it, and 95% of guys won’t even bother dressing up. It’s science.

Now that they’ve graduated and have jobs, a new phase of Halloweening takes place. There’s still some dressing up, but because these people are now in their early thirties, the costumes are way less intricate. Usually, both the male and the female will “dress up” as a celebrity they remotely resemble. They then go hang out at the local bar for a couple hours before they have to rush back home to the screaming toddler.

 

The aforementioned toddler has now grown up, and our two main characters are proud, beaming, excited parents. No longer do they need to dress up, rather, it’s time to send the kids out trick-or-treating! Meanwhile, the parents sit at home and dish out candy. Oh, how the tables have turned.

Years later, the kids are out of the house and all that’s left is the nice elderly couple who lives down the street.

And that, my friends, is the end of our journey. I hope you all have a wonderful Halloween (regardless of which stage you’re in) and keep it safe!

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