Reptilian lovin’

For months I’ve been trying to get that idiot of an iguana to love me. Amadeus is cool and everything, but he’s very reserved, extremely paranoid, and freakishly strong. Those three attributes make it very difficult to tame him. I’ve done extensive online research on how to make him people-friendly, but every site basically says the same thing: I need a lot of time and patience. Unlucky for me, those are just the things that I have very little of.

So I decided to develop my own philosophy on how to tame iguanas. It’s a very simple and passive approach:

Iguanas are fickle beings, but ultimately, they are creatures of habit. Therefore, when taming an iguana, there are only two things that must be considered. 1.) Ensure a happy living environment. 2.) Feed the beast regularly. By following these guiding principles, the iguana will grow accustomed to his surroundings and will learn to anticipate your hand’s presence in the terrarium when leaving nourishing and tasty treats. Eventually, when you decide you are ready, slowly reach out to touch the iguana, and he should allow it. In time, holding, throwing, dancing with, tickling, and other entertaining forms of activities will also become permissible.

And guess what, ladies and gentlemen? My philosophy works! Today I was just minding my own business, whistling a little tune from The Who, getting ready to feed Amadeus, when I noticed a glimmer of lust in his beady little eyes. It was as if he was telepathically imploring that I touch him. So I opened his door, reached in and placed his food on the shelf, and then in one continuous motion, I made my move. And he didn’t even flinch! No biting, no tail-whipping, no hissing, no weird war-stance, nothing! I grew increasingly courageous (because I started by just touching his front foot) and moved towards the neck. He allowed it. I stroked him, we bonded for a few seconds, and then I slowly retracted my hand, closed the door, and left. The reason being, you always have to leave your iguana wanting more. It shows that you’re in control. According to my philosophy, that is.

Anyway, tomorrow’s another day, so we’ll see how it goes. Chances are, my philosophy’s complete bullshit and he’s actually severely ill (e.g. paralysed from the eyeballs down), hence his openness to touch.

But that’s okay with me too.

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2 Responses to “Reptilian lovin’”

  1. Tene Says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA EYEBALLS DOWN HAHAHAHAA

    COMPLETE BULLSHIT. I miss you too much haha

    • onamatopoeia Says:

      Dude. We need to find a fucken form of video chat that works for us. One that’s more reliable than Skype, more stable than Google Chat, and obvs with more volume than the muted, microphone-less iChat. Cuz I miss you’s more, gurrl.

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