I’ll Make a Man Out of You

The following series of events occurred between 07:55 and 08:00 on the morning of July 4th, 2010.

I was on a skateboard, zooming through the street, carrying a stack of pizza boxes. I was the delivery chick and the faster I delivered, the bigger my tips. Luckily, I was Tony Hawk’s sensei and all of the streets were downhill Crazy-Taxi-like streets. So after a quick calculation, I was looking forward to about $300, only half of which belongs in the cashier.

I arrive at my first destination, and ring the doorbell. It was one of those apartment buildings with like, six buzzers, and you can either talk to the tenant through the intercom, or someone can buzz you up.

“HEZZZLLO?!”

“Uh… Yeah hi. You ordered a pizza?”

“YZEAH ZHUSTA SEKHUNT, A’LL BAHZZ JOU AHB!”

“Cool.” [I had no idea what he said]

“OH, BHAT BE CRRFUHLL. MZHULAN ND’ER CLAN’LL GEHT ZHOU!”

“Sorry?”

“BE CRRFUHLL!! MZHULAN ND’ER CLAN’LL GEHT ZHOU!”

“I’m sorry, are you saying “Mulan and her clan will get me?”

bzzzzzzzz

And I got buzzed in. Still clueless as to what the guy was saying on the other end of the shitty intercom, I started jogging up the stairs. Apartment 302, that’s where I was going.

Just as I reached the top of the first flight of stairs, three ninjas fell from up above.

LET’S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS! TO DEFEAT… THE HUN! *hyah!*

Oh Jesus, this was actually happening. Mulan and her little ninja people were gearing up to defeat the Hun, and there was no way they’d let me pass unless I joined in song and did all the actions. Fucking hell. There goes a $20 tip.

(Be a man!) WE MUST BE SWIFT AS THE COURSING RIVER (Be a man!) WITH ALL THE FORCE OF A GREAT TYPHOON (Be a man!) WITH ALL THE STRENGTH OF A RAGING FIRE, MYSTERIOUS AS… THE DARK SIDE OF… THE MOOOOOOOOOOOON!

This was ridiculous. Why was Mulan in a city that looked like modern day San Francisco? Surely the Hun had already been defeated centuries ago. Right? I mean, why was I getting caught up in this bullshit? Damn-it, I have pizzas to deliver!

Seeing as how I would never get past these guys, I went back downstairs and walked around the building to the fire escape. I made it relatively quickly to the third-story window, and then knocked.

“WZHO ZZTHE FUCKH ARRZ ZHOU?”

Oh oops, that wasn’t a shitty intercom, that was his real voice. And he of course wasn’t human. He was a weird alien guy who kinda resembled one of these freaks.

“Uh, hello… sir… I uh, I have your pizza? That’s two large pepperoni and a side of wedges, so your total is $18.47.

“BLEAHBLAHHZBLAXKHZBBALLLAHZZBLEAHZZBAAAAA!!”

“Right. Okay, well that’s fine. I mean, if you don’t wanna pay, I’ll just… Leave the pizzas here and uh, be on my way, I guess. So uh, enjoyyourmealbye!”

And I bolted the fuck out of there. The last thing I want is for this alien sonofabitch to anal probe me.

Back on the street, I grabbed my skateboard and darted off in the direction of my next hungry customer. As I’m rolling down the street, thinking about the losses I had just incurred, Mulan and her men fan out behind me.

[Fat guy] I’m never gunna catch my breath…

[Mulan] Hope he doesn’t see right through me…

[Skinny guy] Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!

[Chorus] (Be a man!) WE MUST BE SWIFT AS THE COURSING RIVER (Be a man!) WITH ALL THE FORCE OF A GREAT TYPHOON (Be a man!) WITH ALL THE STRENGTH OF A RAGING FIRE, MYSTERIOUS AS… THE DARK SIDE OF… THE MOOOOOOOOOOOON!

Oh my God, kill me now.

I get to the next address, and I see Chinese characters on the front door. This is a bad sign, seeing as how Mulan et al. are trying to defeat the Hun, and with my luck, Shan Yu will open the door and I’ll be in the middle of a blood fest. So I asked Mushu (who looked more like a miniature Eddie Murphy rather than a dragon) to come translate.

“China is… a country full of… pussies. China can… suck it. North Korea… is the… bomb… diggity. Long live… Kim Jong Il.” Mushu looked up at me, proud that he had been my translator. Then he did a double-take and became psycho-angry Eddie Murphy. “Wait, what? What the hell did these Korean mo’fuckas just say bout ma country?! I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER YO ASS, YOU HEAR ME?!”

Oh shit. I really just want to give the guy his pizza, take my money, and be on my way. Evidently, this wasn’t going to happen. So I left all the pizza on the doorstep and skated off.

I made it to the bank, where I had planned to steal $300. But when I walked in, it was the bank from Harry Potter. Apparently I was Harry, and this was the scene where Hagrid shows me how rich my dead parents were and how much gold I have. I was pretty stoked, so I took two pocketfuls of gold coins, and then woke up.

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One Response to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

  1. Grant Says:

    Go back to sleep – I want to hear more!

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