I don’t know about you, but I get insanely jealous when I hear someone whistling as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to carry a tune. But my range is quite narrow, I can’t do cool vibrato shit, I’m incapable of imitating birds, and worst of all, I can’t make one of those loud, shrill, taxi-hailing whistles, regardless of whether or not I include the use of my fingers. For this very reason (and because I’m slightly insane), I have researched whistling to its fullest extent, and still, I haven’t managed to progress to any higher level. But if you’re an expert, maybe you can tell me what I’m doing wrong.

Before we begin, it is important to understand how whistling works. I Wikipediaed it, and it was a little bit too complex for my liking, including terms such as “dorsum,” “alveolar ridges,” and “Helmholtz resonator.” But I plowed through the hardcore vocabulary, clicked on all the hyperlinks, and managed to extract the essence of the article. In plain English: Whistling is difficult as shit and is reserved only for cool people like sailors, God, and the seven dwarves.

Nevertheless, if Dopey and Grumpy can whistle while they work, I sure as shit can do it too! So I continued on the quest for whistling knowledge. For simplicity, I’ll divide my findings and results into three categories.

  1. The bird call. Out of all of them, this is probably the saddest one to watch me try. I’ve read countless articles about adjusting the pitch of the whistle by controlling the stream of air with the tongue and teeth and amount of air in the mouth, but I just can’t do it. This crazy grandpa is fucking good. Then there’s people who instruct you how to clasp your hands together, and blow between the gap created by your thumbs, but that doesn’t work either. It sounds as if I’m blowing air into my hands to keep them warm. Not doing a kookaburra mating call.
  2. The angry New Yorker pedestrian whistle. This is even more difficult than the bird call. It requires like, I don’t know, a magical built-in chamber of loudness in your mouth. If you weren’t equipped with one since birth, it’s nearly impossible to create a sound. And yet, I know so many people who can do it. It makes me want to cry.
  3. The melodic whistle. Words can’t even begin to describe how much I hate people who are good at this, regardless of how annoying it may be.

Basically, I’ve reached the conclusion that I will never be able to become a badass whistler, without the help of stem-cells. But although I’ve accepted my fate, I’m still irrationally optimistic, so if you have any tips or whatever, let me know.


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5 Responses to “Whistling”

  1. Emerald Says:

    If it makes you feel any better, I randomly taught myself to whistle inwards as a kid but I have never been able to whistle by blowing OUT! Oh, and even then I suck.

  2. Tene Says:

    Hey Ron Ron,
    It’s me, I’m in the office with Granny and Alison and GPa and we’re reading you’re blog. Sorry that you’re a sad tard and you can’t whistle :(
    I think we’re coming home now.
    I miss you.
    Let’s not eat dinner and just eat mad pretzels tonight.
    With extra sauce.
    Or a wrap from that amazing map place. I ate some sketchy ass butter chicken from Spinneys today. Mama refuses to properly feed me so I do the best I can.
    I also bought some nice soft bread rolls though.

    Okay I think we’re finally going! Weehoo.

    Liebe du!
    PS I hope Amadeus defecates on your face hahaha just kidding, kindof.

  3. Biological D. Says:

    try whistling while you work.
    it´s supposed to be easier…

  4. Mr.Webster Says:

    Ahhh, if you are not made for whistling, maybe you become a tongueacrobat like this lil bro ;)

    Greetz from germany

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