Glycyrrhiza Glabra

Licorice. It’s the best confectionary in the entire universe and all parallel universes as well. This is not a debatable opinion; it is scientific fact.

Extracted from the root of Glycyrrhiza Glabra, licorice in its rawest form is then combined with the sweet tears of an angel and a drop of unicorn blood to produce the black, salty magic that causes my taste buds to go apeshit. It is so delicious. Words cannot even begin to describe how amazingly delectable black licorice is. It’s like the Ghandi of candy. Because honestly, who doesn’t love Ghandi?

Now that my affection with licorice has been made known, I must clarify something. There are some sick people in this world who have decided to imitate the taste of licorice, mix it with a shit load of sugar and carcinogenic additives, and subsequently sell it in stores under the inappropriate name “licorice.” For example, if you buy black Hershey’s Twizzlers, those are not licorice. If you eat black Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, those are not licorice. If you open a bag of Panda Licorice Soft Chews, those are not licorice. So do not be fooled. Because exactly such cheap imitations of licorice are the ones that are marketed in the U.S. and make people (including myself) projectile vomit because they taste like ass. No seriously. That shit (no pun intended) tastes like it came out of a rectum and was instantaneously packaged and sent to grocery stores.

If you are amongst the few, worthy people who are brave enough to try the real thing, I will now offer a few suggestions. As I’ve mentioned in a comment on a previous post, Venco brand licorice is in my opinion (the only opinion that matters) the best. It is the Sistine Chapel of licorice. The Burj Dubai. The Batman. The God, if you will, of all licorice. Katjes is also a respectable brand, especially Salzige Heringe and Katzen Pfötchen. Haribo is mediocre. But if Haribo is the only thing available, it’ll do.

That having been said, please don’t hesitate to send me large quantities of the aforementioned brands, though preferably the former two. Email me and I’ll give you my shipping details. I expect to see trucks full of salted black licorice outside my house within the coming weeks.

If I don’t, there will be consequences.

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10 Responses to “Glycyrrhiza Glabra”

  1. biological D. Says:

    I´m close to the source.
    please send me shipping details.
    (adress?) (P.O.Box?)

  2. onamatopoeia Says:

    Sadly enough, I don’t actually know my P.O. Box. :( You’d have to ask Ma.

  3. stefanwobben Says:

    Send me your details (joop at dropfabriek) and i will ship some to you.

  4. onamatopoeia Says:

    UPDATE: I just found out that I’m allowed to have shit sent to me at work. So for those of you interested in sending me presents and/or money, please use the following address

    Ona Johnson (105038)
    P.O. Box 26416
    Dubai, U.A.E.

    Although I would gladly accept drugs and explosives as well, please keep in mind that this is my work address. I don’t want to get deported.

  5. Aaisha Says:

    Who doesn’t love Ghandhi? Me, that’s who! I am certainly not a fan of extremist animal “rights” so I can’t say that I love the activists. (Grrr!) Sorry, but it’s the truth.

    I do have a soft spot for Marie Antoinette, however.

  6. onamatopoeia Says:

    *barf*

  7. biological D. Says:

    finally received shipping from Holland today.
    Drop is on its way to you.
    it´ll take about 10 days to get there….
    love, Ro

  8. News « From the wonderful brain of Ona Says:

    […] me the gifts I ask for on the aforementioned wish list. And secondly, I’m going to have a lakritz fest tomorrow, which excites […]

  9. Aaisha Says:

    *barf back*

  10. Tene Says:

    Aaisha hates like everything good in this world. It makes me worried.

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