Shower

I’m one of those people who hates getting up in the morning. In fact, if it were up to me, I’d probably never leave the comfort of my blanket. Except maybe to pee. Anyway, point is, it’s a daily battle for me to get out of bed. Especially when it’s finals season and the only thing I have to look forward to is studying.

That having been said, a morning shower is one of the most important things in my day-to-day life. Not only does it clean the body, mind and soul, but it’s also a rejuvenating and energizing ritual. Furthermore, I need to wash my hair every single day to keep it as luscious and beautiful as it is, and to ensure that I don’t smell like an ashtray.

A couple mornings ago, I woke up and groggily made my way into the bathroom. At this point, my eyes are still half-closed, and I haven’t quite yet left my dream realm, so I rely solely on the power of routine to get me through those first twenty minutes. Anyway, I peed, took of my pajamas, and stepped into the shower – same as always. I turned the hot faucet about a quarter turn to the left, and the cold faucet about half way. Based on experience, the faucets need to be in exactly this position to get the perfect temperature that my body requires. Which is quite hot. 

The next few steps are to let the water run for a few seconds, lift the thingy so the water switches from bathtub mode to shower mode, and then jump back with cat-like reflexes so that the initial shock of still-kinda-cold water doesn’t induce heart attack.

On this particular morning, I did everything the way I normally do. The only difference was, the water never became hot! And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s a cold shower. Especially first thing in the morning. Confused and shivering, I mentally retraced my steps to make sure I hadn’t missed a step. Turns out, I hadn’t. So what was going so god-awfully wrong? What had I done to deserve such punishment?!

Quick as a Chinese caterpillar, I jumped out of the shower and wrapped myself in my towel, in the hopes to prevent frostbite and/or hypothermia. What the fuck is going on? I wondered angrily.

Shall I tell you what the problem was? I’ll tell you. SOME RETARD DECIDED IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO TURN OFF THE FUCKING WATER HEATER! And I’m sure you can guess who that particular retard was. No, not Feb… Bingo. It was Eri. 

I punched the switch back on in anger and stomped back into my room to sulk under the covers. About twenty minutes later, I awaken to Eri’s voice, asking me if I could hurry up and shower so we could leave. “Yeah chill out, I’m awake… I’m just waiting for the water to heat up,” I told her. “Oh? Sorry, I turned it off again,” she replied. If I had sharp teeth and claws, I’d’ve pounced on her and killed her shamelessly with one bite to the neck. “You did what?!” I was fuming. “Oh yeah, now that it’s getting hot, the sun warms up the water enough to shower with.” Uh, no it doesn’t. Especially not at seven in the effing morning when the past twelve hours have been darkness. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but as far as I’m concerned, moonlight doesn’t heat shit up.

I restrained from killing her (only because I would have to wait another forty-five minutes before I could shower her blood off my body at a decent temperature), and instead turned the heater back on and went downstairs to make coffee. Later, I showered at a mediocre temperature and just got over it, thinking she’d understand never to do such a horrendous thing again.

I thought wrong. This morning I woke up at around six and carried out the shower-steps in order. Only to find that once again, the water was coming out in the form of icicles! What the fuck! Why is this nightmare happening again?! Murmuring unspeakable things under my breath, I turned the switch back on and crawled into bed.

When I felt it was safe, I got up and went to the bathroom to retest the water. It was barely alright, but I was in a rush so I had to deal with it. Fifteen minutes later, as I was leaving the bathroom, I found Eri loitering around the heater-switch. She was waiting for me to finish showering so she could turn it off again. Like, literally waiting there. Like… I can’t get over this… Waiting! Around the switch! Just… waiting!

What a freak. If she tries this stunt again tomorrow, I will not spare her. I will demolish her without the slightest shadow of remorse. But listen, if the police asks, I was at your house studying for my exam, okay? Shh…

 

Note: I’m not sure if Chinese caterpillars really exist or not, but they sound fast. Ninja fast. Ka-cha!

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8 Responses to “Shower”

  1. Biological D. Says:

    hi Ona!

    really enjoy your stories. especially this one I can really relate…
    enjoy your cartoons also, although the drawings are better than the text. (although I can relate to that also)

    after your exams, don´t you think it´s about time we start to talk to each other?

    toi toi toi for your exams!

    love,
    biological D.

  2. onamatopoeia Says:

    Haha, thanks for the feedback…
    Eri geht echt auf meine Nerven. : S
    Oh well.
    I’ll email you sometime soon. : )
    Love, Ona

  3. Aaisha Says:

    Who the hell is Eri? I’m confused, is that your maid? Why don’t you just tell this person that you’d really appreciate it if she left the heater switch alone and that it’s your decision whether or not the water heater creates an appropriate temperature for showering?
    That’s sounds really annoying! Everyone would need a water heater on at 7 am, whether they live in the Kalahari desert or the North Pole.

    • onamatopoeia Says:

      Eri as in, Erica Jepkens. Ma’s mother. She chooses not to listen. Apparently keeping the switch on causes leaking. MINIMAL leaking. I had to shower in Ma’s bathroom this morning. Oh and I reckon I did poorly on my exam today.

      • Aaisha Says:

        Ooooh! Haha, at first I thought Eri was another one of your cats; then it occurred to me that cats don’t usually speak English. So I totally couldn’t figure who else that could be since I thought your household consisted of only two other people.
        Haha, tell her it doesn’t cause leaking, you just splash around in the shower too much!

  4. Biological D. Says:

    yeah!
    make my day

    love love love love love

    eu ro

  5. fatoomah Says:

    If the police ask, you were with me in Mississippi reminiscing about the good ol’ days.

  6. anonimust Says:

    “Oh yeah, now that it’s getting hot, the sun warms up the water enough to shower with.”

    Wow……. hehe

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