It’s that time of year again…

Okay everyone, we’re now a week (and a bit) into the wonderful month of February. I’m sure you all know by now that this means it is a time of joyous celebration and festivity. Not only because the end of winter is near, but also because I am approaching twenty-two fucking years of life on this godforsaken planet.

So for those interested, I have finally compiled my birthday wishlist:

1. A pony. Preferably one with magical powers.
2. A camera. At this point in my life, based on my poverty and lack of photo-taking technology, I’m going to be completely honest and say I’m not picky. However, something digital and simple (with high resolution nonetheless) would be in order. Underwater capabilities would be a definite plus.
3. Two katrillion dollars.
4. My own planet.
5. A python and/or iguana, who shall be named Billy and Izzy, respectively.
6. New Uggs, because my current ones are starting to look dilapidated, and people tell me I look homeless when I wear them. Any colour will suffice, although I’m not particularly a fan of the black ones.
7. Dare I say, a Blackberry? I’m not too sure whether or not I’ll actually like it though. It just seems to be the norm nowadays, and sometimes I wish I had a Blackberry as a status symbol in today’s fucked up society.
8. A gift voucher for Virgin, because there’s heaps of things I love in that store, ranging from T-shirts to Apple appliances.
9. The newest (legal) version of Adobe Photoshop. I used to have a legit version on my old computer, but it was old. Like my computer. Now I have a new computer and no Photoshop. I had a trial version until recently, but then I had to restart my laptop, so my thirty day period expired and now I’m sad. This wish is in direct relation to Wish #2.
10. The power to control time.
11. The ability to make human suffrage legal.
12. 2012.
13. An African grey parrot who is already trained to speak proper English and follow simple commands. Of course, I would further train him to be my accomplice in world domination, but for the time being, a simple yet open-minded one will do. This wish surpasses Wish #5 by a large margin, but does not necessarily replace it.
14. My very own crystal meth laboratory. I’ve been working on it for several months now, but it’s a lot more difficult than it seems. So having an up-and-running one would help me a lot, both financially and emotionally.
15. A new wardrobe. Not physically, rather, content-wise. As in, don’t go to IKEA and buy me a new closet. Instead, get me a lot of new cute clothes, including jeans, shirts, shorts, jackets, and shoes. If you’re confused as to what clothes to buy me, see Wish #3.
16. A little Asian dude who can be my personal slave/masseur for the rest of my life.
17. Any form of free dental care. I have several things I wish to accomplish, including a routine checkup, cleaning, the removal of unwanted wisdom teeth, and whitening. Any/all of the above will suffice.
18. Sushi dinner.
19. A car. AC and brakes are a plus.
20. More creativity/brain cells.
21. Something to kill people with. Household weapons no longer do the trick. A bazooka or two would be nice.
22. Higher metabolism.

Alright, well that pretty much sums things up! I posted my address somewhere once before, but I’ll have to find it again for those of you who don’t stalk me and haven’t memorised it already. Let me know if you’d like me to tell it to you again.

Other than that, have a good February, and enjoy the shittiest holiday of the year (Valentine’s Day). I’ll be working like the Jumeirah slave that I am.

Being a good person is more confusing than I thought

Okay so by now you’ve probably noticed the SocialVibe banner thingy on the right side of the page. I added this widget the other day, because I wanted to be a good person and help causes without actually having to empty my wallet. I know that sounds bad, but let’s face it – I’m just a lil’ poor girl.

Anyway, so when I initially added it, I asked Ten for her good-cause-expertise and she suggested I go with WWF because PETA was “too crazy sometimes” for her liking. So I went with WWF and by the end of the day, 12 polar bears were saved. Or so I thought…

Ten explained to me that the little ticker didn’t actually mean I just single-handedly saved the fate of 12 polar bears, rather, they’re symbolic “points,” if you will. Here’s the verbatim explanation she gave me of how the whole thing works

Basically long story short, those little games and activities and stuff benefit the sponsoring company by drawing attention to it and what not. Like for example right now on your blog the activities have to do with some new show on the CW channel network. In return, every time someone does their activity, they (the sponsors) give a “micro donation” to socialvibe :)

So it could be like just 1 cent or something, but over time it adds up, and then 4 times a year, Socialvibe takes all the money, and distributes it amongst the like 40-something charities that they support (in respect to how many points each charity has).

So like if you wanna use real numbers, in the last like a little bit over a year, socialvibe made $700,000 and there’s about 40 charities involved, so on average that’s like $18,000 per charity. Which is legit since all you have to do is play a game or answer the “question of the day”, which today was like, “What do you want to do before you die?”

Get it?

Got it. At least, until today. So I log in to WordPress, right? And I’m checking my Dashboard, making sure everything’s in order, following up on my subscriptions and such, when I remember the polar bear thing. So I look, and lo and behold, there are now 16 polar bear points! Yippee! Out of boredom pure love from my heart, I decided to click on the banner myself, to do some of the “activities” that Ten had mentioned.

Upon completing six activities, it led me to some bonus page, and this is where the confusion comes in: I’m now no longer saving polar bears, instead, I’m helping quaked Haitians. Not that that’s bad or anything, it’s just… odd. Because I never mentioned anything pertaining to Haiti or earthquakes to SocialVibe, and now all of a sudden they’re all like “From the Wonderful Brain of Ona supports Haiti earthquake victims!” Do I? Should I take a bow or something? Do I get an award?

The confusion continues by me magically having an account now. And a picture. And statuses. An an inbox of some sort. And all kinds of missions to earn me points. But I’m just a little overwhelmed. Because yesterday I was just a regular hater, and today I’m Miss Charitable. I’m just concerned about my own safety. I don’t want these people brainwashing me into committing genocide just to earn 500 dolphin points or some shit.

Try it out for yourselves though. Maybe you people are smarter than me and can figure out how it works and why I have an account and what the fuck I’m supposed to do next. All I’m saying is, don’t be puzzled if the banner changes causes on a regular basis. I have no control of that. I mean, I don’t think I do. But today I could be a seal-lover, and tomorrow I might be an advocate of breast cancer research.

That’s just how I roll.

News

Well okay, not really news per say, but new-ish stuff nonetheless.

As you may or may not have noticed, I’ve decided to revamp the header, changing the previously cutesy picture into a creepy one that’ll probably give you nightmares. Let me know if I succeed.

February is just around the corner! So be expecting my birthday wish list soon.

I just got a phone call from Tatjana at work, saying that a “mysterious parcel” is waiting for me in her office. This means two things. Firstly, the postal service seems to work just fine, so none of you should have a problem getting me the gifts I ask for on the aforementioned wish list. And secondly, I’m going to have a lakritz fest tomorrow, which excites me.

I’m sick again. Not like, SARS sick, but I think some sort of influenza-bronchitis medley. I feel like committing seppuku.

The new semester has officially begun. Again I can only take two subjects due to my hellish work requirements, and those subjects are ECON111 (I’m finally doing micro!) and MARK217, which I reckon is going to be a fairly boring consumer behaviour course. Managing the two should be fairly feasible, because one is kinda mathy and the other’s kinda theory. So I think my brain can cope.

I haven’t been having super exciting dreams recently. On the contrary, they’ve been rather dull and life-like. In yesterday’s dream I got lost in a building for like, an hour. And it wasn’t even a trippy building, it was just a standard boring apartment building. The only thing dreamy about it was that the stairwell went on forever and never actually took me one floor down (hence the reason why I got lost). Eventually I broke through the window and ended up outside Block 3 in the Gardens. So it was alright.

I’m slightly hungry, so I’m going to head over to the kitchen now and see what happens.

I’m blue (da ba dee, da ba dai)

I decided to succumb to the urge I was having to transform myself into a character out of James Cameron’s Avatar.

Things I learned today

The old adage is true! You really do learn something new every day! But in my case, since I’m super awesome, I learn more than just “something.” I learn many things! And because I’m feeling generous, I shall share them with you.

1. There are 1,448 red and white rings that make up the lane lines at the lap pool in Jumeirah Beach Hotel. I haven’t gotten around to counting the blue ones yet.
2. Seppuku or “stomach-cutting” is a form of Japanese ritual suicide, originally used by samurai who would rather die with honour than be captured by the bad guys. The process involves stabbing yourself in the stomach with a tanto (those long, bad-ass samurai swords) and then twisting it left and right with slicing motions.
3. No matter how hard you try to effectively bite off a hangnail, you will always rip off half your finger along with it. I currently have four of my fingers wrapped in bandaids.
4. Red Bull does not give you wings.
5. Typing “my rob” into Google will yield several suggestions, including “my robot is pregnant.” When I found this out about an hour ago, I nearly shat my pants with excitement/fear. However, there are no female robots currently in labour (that we know of), rather, My Robot Is Pregnant is simply a cool blog. Besides, everyone knows robots are asexual and can only produce offspring by building and programming their own.

And… yeah. That’s all I learned today. Pretty productive, huh?

UPDATE: I counted the blue ones as well. There were 912, making the grand total 2,360 (590 for each lane divider). Woo! *slits wrists from boredom*

Quick reminder slash update

Kay this doesn’t really count as a post, but I have some information and it is imperative that I share it with you:

I need a camera. Now, as you know, my birthday is coming up (and don’t worry, my birthday wishlist will soon be published) but if you would like to buy me one beforehand, please don’t hesitate to do so. In the very likely event that one of my fans purchases me one, I will create a new page dedicated to photography, for those of you who I don’t have on facebook.

That’s all! I have to go to my shit job now.

Glycyrrhiza Glabra

Licorice. It’s the best confectionary in the entire universe and all parallel universes as well. This is not a debatable opinion; it is scientific fact.

Extracted from the root of Glycyrrhiza Glabra, licorice in its rawest form is then combined with the sweet tears of an angel and a drop of unicorn blood to produce the black, salty magic that causes my taste buds to go apeshit. It is so delicious. Words cannot even begin to describe how amazingly delectable black licorice is. It’s like the Ghandi of candy. Because honestly, who doesn’t love Ghandi?

Now that my affection with licorice has been made known, I must clarify something. There are some sick people in this world who have decided to imitate the taste of licorice, mix it with a shit load of sugar and carcinogenic additives, and subsequently sell it in stores under the inappropriate name “licorice.” For example, if you buy black Hershey’s Twizzlers, those are not licorice. If you eat black Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, those are not licorice. If you open a bag of Panda Licorice Soft Chews, those are not licorice. So do not be fooled. Because exactly such cheap imitations of licorice are the ones that are marketed in the U.S. and make people (including myself) projectile vomit because they taste like ass. No seriously. That shit (no pun intended) tastes like it came out of a rectum and was instantaneously packaged and sent to grocery stores.

If you are amongst the few, worthy people who are brave enough to try the real thing, I will now offer a few suggestions. As I’ve mentioned in a comment on a previous post, Venco brand licorice is in my opinion (the only opinion that matters) the best. It is the Sistine Chapel of licorice. The Burj Dubai. The Batman. The God, if you will, of all licorice. Katjes is also a respectable brand, especially Salzige Heringe and Katzen Pfötchen. Haribo is mediocre. But if Haribo is the only thing available, it’ll do.

That having been said, please don’t hesitate to send me large quantities of the aforementioned brands, though preferably the former two. Email me and I’ll give you my shipping details. I expect to see trucks full of salted black licorice outside my house within the coming weeks.

If I don’t, there will be consequences.